Athletics announces new varsity slip ’n slide team

By JACK HAGN

Sports Editor

After much deliberation UMW athletics has decided to add a semi varsity slip ‘n slide team after pressure from President Paino who formed fond sliding memories during the Slide FXBG event in early September. 

Athletes for this sport would pay dues like a club but would have access to the varsity weight room to help hone their sliding skills. They are currently trying to find time in the preseason to have a team full body shave in order to increase penguin-like slipperiness. 

The team has already obtained some corporate and local sponsors such as Dove who will be providing the soap for the team. In return the slipper’s will have the Dove logo shaved into the sides of their heads. The local sponsor is Hair Cuttery who will be providing the shaving instruments and services throughout the season, and will have their logo and brand name featured on the sliding uniforms.

The team will be practicing on Brompton hill for four hours every other day under the coaching of Troy Paino, who has been researching the highly competitive sport. He has recently obtained a coaching license and will be starting the team at the DIII level. 

Paino said he became enthralled with the sport when he was able to participate in it early in the academic year.

Paino also reinforced his commitment that he wanted to grow the sport at UMW and has his sights set on becoming a DI school in slip ’n slide.

The CAC was hesitant at first but they have agreed to allow the UMW team to compete along with the DIII slip ’n slide teams from other universities.

Slip ’n slide as a sport is controversial due to safety concerns for both athletes and spectators, but it has gained popularity in the last several years anyway. 

“I have been hit before by a rogue slipper a couple years ago and I got a bad concussion, I hope that these athletes have an adequate practice space so safety is highly encouraged,” said Kate Seltzer a slip ’n slide enthusiast who has been following the professional scene for a while.

The upcoming season will kick off in the early fall as the best sprint sliding is done when the air is slightly colder. The second part of the teams season will be in the spring as the warmer temperatures allow for more distance events.

Sports enthusiast Grace Winfield shared her thoughts on the upcoming addition. “I am so excited about the slip ’n slide team because I think this will make up for UMW’s lack of a football team. Both sports are so competitive.” 

The new head coach Paino is hoping that this new sport will bring in more international students from Switzerland as the slip ’n slide sport has been a mainstay in the local sporting communities. In order to reach this goal, he has hired a former Swedish olympian as an assistant coach.

With high hopes the UMW community looks to a successful first season during the next school year. The bookstore will be selling Eagle Slipper merchandise at the end of the semester.

This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition and is intended to be satirical in nature. All information or quotations are made up and not to be taken seriously.