How the mighty have fallen: UC to close in fall of 2019

By KATE SELTZER

News Editor

The latest in a line of campus building closings, UMW’s University Center will close indefinitely in the fall of 2019. The $56 million building, which opened in August of 2015 is closing due to a significant problem: not enough TVs.

The building’s closure will allow for time to install new features, including wall to wall screens on the fourth floor and one very large – 75’ by 50’ – TV in the lobby.

Currently, students eating on the fourth floor of the UC only have approximately 20 different screens to choose from. 

“I like that I’m able to simultaneously watch ‘Taken 2’ and ‘Paw Patrol,’” said freshman political science major Abigail Buchholz. “But what about ‘Taken 3’? What about the ‘Paw Patrol’ movie?”

Junior history and education major Jack Hagn agreed.

“If you can see out the window, you’re not doing it right,” he said, referring to the copious amounts of empty, TV-less space in the dining hall. 

The dining hall on the fourth floor, as well as Qdoba, Jamba Juice and Li’l Joe’s, will be replaced by the Puerto Rican food truck and the nearby McDonald’s, which is now taking Eagle One. Blackstone, The Underground and the dining options at Eagle Nest will be unaffected by the change, except that Blackstone will now be offering a drink called “Food ScarciTEA” (a cup of ice with a tiny bit of lukewarm tea). 

The UC also currently houses the James Farmer Multicultural Center; the Center for Honor, Leadership and Service; Student, Activities and Engagement; and Chandler Ballroom.

President Paino seemed confused about the existence of the JFMC in the UC. He had no comment about the Center’s possible relocation.

Students were disappointed by the closure of the UC, which was one of the few remaining buildings on campus with no early morning construction. 

“I love the food at the dining hall,” said junior English and American studies major Ginny Bixby. “Except for the wilted salad, the lack of seasoning, and the super limited vegetarian options. Wait, maybe I don’t love the food at the dining hall.”

Students also voiced concerns over the loss of event space provided by Chandler Ballroom.

“Chandler Ballroom will be so missed!” said junior political science major Lucas Burkholder. “Glow Zone freshman year was the highlight of my college experience. And fall formal! I loved doing the Cha Cha Slide for eight minutes straight. Some of my most formative memories occurred in Chandler.”

School officials assured students that school dances and other events would continue to be held, just in one of the several abandoned residence halls. Should those residence halls be “condemned” and “unfit for human life,” students will simply dance quietly and alone in their respective rooms.

This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition and is intended to be satirical in nature. All information or quotations are made up and not to be taken seriously.