by JOSEPHINE JOHNSON
UMW plans to replace Banner class registration process with a new fight-to-the-death match.
“I got the inspiration for this new program from this fun and lighthearted book series, ‘The Hunger Games,’” said University President Troy Paino. “In that story, teenagers have a fun little kerfuffle for the entertainment of the rich. I brought this idea to UMW so administrators could have a little fun watching the students battle.”
Students appreciate the new plan, as anything will be easier than registering for classes online.
“This way, I have a chance for enrollment in the classes I need to graduate!” said Josephine Good, a junior international business major.
Junior sociology and communication and digital studies double major Jess Kirby anxiously anticipates the change.
“I’ve been thinking that an easy solution to the banner registration issues would be to separate people’s time slots by credit again, but when I heard about this initiative, I was thrilled,” she said. “Can’t wait to see y’all on the battlefield!”
The new program, titled “We literally do not care if you graduate on time,” was created after many student complaints about not getting into the classes they need.
“I’ve literally never even taken a class here. I’ve never gotten into a single class through Banner registration. I just live here and walk around campus sometimes,” said [redacted] major Scotti Mullen.
Mullen came to UMW with plans to major in economics.
“No, for real I’ve been paying tens of thousands of dollars to this school for three years now and I’ve never actually gotten to take a class,” she said.
The change will be enacted next semester, after the disaster that was fall 2022 class registration. Students have already started working up their fight plans.
“I’m an English major but a lot of people don’t know that I’m very skilled with a fork,” said Veronica PurrCherky, senior English major, who is notorious for stealing cutlery from the University Center.
Other students are less excited about the fighting aspect, but are still excited for the chance that they might actually get the classes they need.
“Please I’m not approved for another loan,” said Mullen. “I need these classes so I can go on and get a job to provide for my crippling Magic the Gathering addiction.”
This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition and is intended to be satirical in nature. All information or quotations are made up and not to be taken seriously.