Sexclamations

BY KELSEY CLARK

For women, everything is in predictable cycles.

Our inescapable, unpleasant monthly ride on the crimson wave is proof that we are driven by pre-determined patterns beyond our control.

We can’t help the things our raging, hormonal female bodies make us do—but we can use those raging hormones as an excuse for almost any erratic behavior.

What I’m getting at has nothing to do with fertility, bleeding, or crying for hours after watching “The Notebook.” My point is that women frequently do ridiculous things that are simply out of their control.

It’s not only hormones that drive these strange cycles. Weather, which comes in cycles too, also plays a role in our emotional rollercoaster rides.

Spring brings flowers in bloom, the birds and the bees, and temperatures just warm enough to compel everyone take their clothes off.

Not to mention Spring Break—I don’t think there’s any need to elaborate on the “Girls Gone Wild” misadventures that are practically perfunctory during this week, regardless of weather. The word “spring” alone is enough to awaken the sexual side of every Cancun-bound co-ed.

Once spring has you all warmed up and curious, it’s time to enjoy summer flings and hot, steamy nights on the beach—or whatever it is you’re supposed to be doing with your summer flings. I personally prefer  air-conditioning and a sand-free bikini.

Steady relationships tend to fall apart or at least go on hiatus during the summer, so everyone is free to fling about with every hunky lifeguard they encounter.

But alas, there’s only so much sand-frolicking you can do in one summer, and eventually things start to cool down, literally and figuratively.

Just like cold weather means time to put away those white pants and sundresses—another one of those female cycles, it also means time to settle in for the winter. Bears look for caves to hibernate in; women look for someone to settle down with.

It’s not just that the holidays can be rough when you’re single. I learned my lesson the hard way that when all the relatives gather for Thanksgiving/Christmas/Hanukkah/what have you, and they ask if I’ve got a special someone, answering “no” equals disappointment for all involved.

Not to mention the bitter loneliness of going through New Year’s Eve or, worse, Valentine’s Day, alone.

There’s something in the crisp fall air that silently signals women to find a mate. Ladies—if you haven’t felt this impulse yet, trust me, you will soon.

I realize autumn may seem like a long way off, but as soon as you accidentally leave a window open overnight and the temperature in your bedroom drops below 60 degrees, you will wake up weeping with the heartache of solitude and immediately begin searching for someone to keep you warm at night.

For those of you that know what I’m talking about, dry your eyes and try to make it a few more weeks without begging your male housemates to spoon you to sleep. If only someone had given me that advice last week. Desperation is not flattering on anyone.

If your instinctive mate-hunting is unsuccessful and it starts to feel like you’ll spend the winter cold and alone, remember this – Spring Break is only six short months away! Woo-hoo!