Sexclamations

KELSEY CLARK

While staring blankly at my laptop trying to think of a topic for this week’s “Sexclamations,” my mind began to wander. I found myself, shockingly, daydreaming about boys.
Rather, I should say boy. Singular.
My campus walk crush.
Even if that particular phrase doesn’t mean anything to you, I guarantee you know what I’m talking about.
A campus walk crush, or whatever terminology you choose to use, is that certain someone you don’t exactly know, but love from afar. Maybe you had a class together once, you go to the same parties, or you just cross paths on a regular basis. Not like it’s hard at this school.
The extent of campus walk crushing can range from moderate recreational gazing to intense Facebook-stalking.
You might know every little detail about your eye candy’s musical taste, or maybe just the bench he or she frequents. The background checks may vary, but the interaction is usually the same: legitimate exchanges are rare with campus walk crushes.
Even if nothing ever materializes between you and your CWC—and it won’t unless you’re particularly ballsy or lucky—it can still be a beneficial relationship.
Knowing that you’ll pass your special someone on your way to class can serve as incentive to haul your ass out of bed and get dressed. Shower, even!
Not to mention the sunshine a little cross-sidewalk eye contact can bring to your cloudy day.
Once your campus walk crush has inspired you to wake up and pull yourself together, he or she can continue to serve a purpose. Sitting through tedious lectures can be greatly improved by ogling the dreamboat in front of you or fantasizing about the possible encounters you and your CWC might have. That’s what your parents are paying for, right?
If any of this seems creepy to you, then you’re probably just lying to yourself. Or you haven’t yet been enlightened by this insightful article.
Even if you’re not strategically planning your outfits to allure a complete stranger, that doesn’t mean you haven’t experienced the campus walk crush.
Hopefully, after reading this, you will all recognize that it’s entirely normal to secretly fancy the mysterious (or not-so-mysterious) co-ed who’s always a table away from you at Seaco.
However, I must warn you against becoming emboldened by this newfound realization. Just because everyone has a campus walk crush doesn’t mean you should take any steps towards furthering your relationship with your CWC.
If that’s what you want, fine. But chances are your moves to get to know your crush more intimately will only ruin the magic.
There’s nothing more disappointing than finding out the object of your affection has zero personality, offensive political views, or a beanie baby collection. Sometimes things are better left in the dark.
So while you may spend the duration of your Western Civ class imagining your wedding photos with your CWC, that doesn’t mean you should actually propose. Or even say “hello.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some Facebook stalking to do.