Top 5 Ways to Lose Weight with Minimal Effort

By JOHN SHERIDAN

Warning: only for those of you who are very, very serious. About losing weight, I mean. Because if you don’t lose those five pounds this week you’ll never be pretty, and you certainly won’t get the wrestling weight division you need.

One:
Chemotherapy

Two:
Jogging to the Chemotherapy clinic

Three:
Uppers, cigarettes and not sleeping.

Eating food optional. (The secret technique of most celebrities, and look how happy they are with themselves.)

Four:
Whatever Atkins Low-Carb South Beach Idiot Diet is out now. It’s completely legitimate because it was created by “doctors,” probably in “laboratories.” (Warning: side effects include gastrointestinal voiding, appendicitis and possibly Leukemia.)

Five:
Gastric Bypass, but that’s for quitters.