Sexclamations

By KJ Adler

When I was a little girl, my dad loved taking me to the auto shows.
They were great. The two dollar pretzels and nachos, the “who-can-maintain-contact-with-a-car-longest” contests, the concept cars—they all added a special something to the whole experience.
But what always got me was that the tradition of having gorgeous models in skimpy clothes posing on a car was fading. Isn’t that a huge factor in the general advertising scheme? Sex means sell?
But what do cars even have to do with sex?
For some reason I have come across this strange correlation between sexiness and shifting gears: Being able to take control in an all leather interior with a hot babe beside you while the wind whips through your hair as you rev the engine down a long-stretched road.
In the commercials, it can be hot and exotic. In the real world, sex and cars do not mix.
For starters, our era is just not car sex friendly.
That era passed a long time ago back when boat cars were still all the rage and a back seat could fit at least four.
However, today’s car is leaning closer to the compactness trend. Sure we had a few crazies fall under the Hummer spell, but most people drive compacts, trucks or station wagons.
And while two of the three aforementioned cars lean more towards the larger size of things, there is still a lot of limitation with regard to car loving.
First of all, no one really considers the stick shift. If you are hanging in the front seat with your honey, that little doohickey can be a real hassle even if you two lovebirds are simply making out.
Not to mention the fact that the front seat is pretty much divided between the two sides of the car these days with the cup and coin holders.
If you are a lucky enough person to also own a back seat within your car, you may be thinking “Well heck, it would be a lot easier back there!”
But despite the extra room, in our heightened generation it is still really tough to go full length on the seat. Plus roof space is always an issue.
The best case scenario? A convertible, rooftop down, girl on top.
The problem? You would have to pull off somewhere sketchy and wish your lucky stars that a patrolman doesn’t see you.
Whatever happened to those lookout points or lover’s lanes we’ve heard about from back in the day?
Nowadays most people are reduced to a parking lot or a private driveway.
The worst, however, is doing the deed while driving. Yes, it is possible and it gives you unlimited bragging rights for years after.
But honestly, I think that driving while under the influence of lust is way worse than alcohol. And to go through the whole shebang while driving is totally illegal.