The Weekly Ringer

The University of Mary Washington Student Newspaper

Top Ten Things You Missed at Roses

3 min read

By Ryan Marr and Landon James

At least once in their life, a person discovers a store that completely changes the way they view the world.
With absurdly low prices and an eclectic selection, Roses was that store, catering to the poor and bargain-seeking college student.
From Halloween costumes to expired jars of pickles, Roses had everything.
Now that the store is officially closed, we felt it was our duty to provide a fitting eulogy for the greatest retail outlet the Mary Washington community has ever known.
1. Pleather:
Roses was bleeding out of the ears with everyone’s favorite leather knock-off. If you have never slipped into a nice pleather suit, then you truly have not lived. Recommended Bargain: Purple alligator pleather pant and zip jacket set. Price: $3.50
2. Guard Owls:
Roses was always on the cutting edge of garden gnome innovation. When demonic-looking guard owls replaced the conventional straw and plaid scarecrow as the in-vogue means to protect your garden, Roses was all over it.  
Recommended Bargain: Plastic Guard Owl Price: $4.00
3. Voodoo Dolls:
Ever wanted to get back at your roommate for that time they threw up all over the bathroom?  Roses had you covered. For a small price, Roses offered a limitless selection of used, dirty dolls with which to torment your enemies. Recommended Bargain: Voodoo Doll Price: a few pieces of used cutlery.
4. Screen-Printed T-Shirts:
If anyone ever tries to tell you that Roses lacked style, they were severely impaired when they shopped there. Besides the pleather, Roses also offered an extensive selection of screen-printed T-shirts.  Whether you were trying to show support for America’s favorite Republicans or Democrats or display your enthusiastic support of the Last Supper, Roses had it—as long as you didn’t mind the XXXL size.  Recommended Bargain: Barack Obama screen-printed T-shirt- $8.00
5. Discount Lamps:
Paying your electricity bill was never easier with Roses vast array of discount lamps. Not only were they cheap, but Roses also carried only the highest quality lamp fixtures imported directly from China.  Recommended Bargain: Buddha Lamp with nipple tassels. Price: $15.00
6. Vintage Windbreakers:
Inside Roses the 80s never died. Purchasing a vintage windbreaker was just the way to show support for Run DMC, parachute pants, and jazzercise.  Decked out in the brightest and most reflective of colors, these vintage windbreakers were an easy way to turn heads on campus walk and keep the wind off.  Recommended Bargain: Vintage “Freedom” Windbreaker (red, white and blue). Price: $10.00
7. Elastic Jeans:
Having trouble fitting into your favorite pair of jeans? You could have checked out Roses fall collection of elastic jeans to improve your self-confidence and/or get a girlfriend. Roses’ elastic waistbands were comfortable, stylish, and most of all, timeless. Recommended Bargain: A Pair of Faded, Elastic Blue Jeans –price: one family heirloom
8. Expired Candy:
If you thought Roses had the best deals on candy, almost to the point of being too good to be true, you’re skepticism was justified.  Now, I guess we’ll all have to look to last year’s Halloween candy to get that nice, stale, moldy-candy taste. Recommended Bargain: Tupperware Container of Cotton Candy (expiration date 9/15/89). Price: probably free
9. Camouflaged Bear-Hunting Overalls:
Hunters agree that after using Roses bear-hunting overalls, they killed 1000% more bears and that the meat even tasted better.  When you bought overalls from Roses, you won and bears lost. Every time. Recommended Bargain: Blood-stained “Bear Hunting” Overalls. Price: negotiable.
10. Used Thermal Underwear:
Vintage Windbreaker not keeping you warm enough? Roses had you covered once again.  Nothing tops mustard-stained thermal underwear for keeping warm in the cold winter months.  Recommended Bargain: Armpit-Stained White Thermal Top.  Price: your dignity.
Contrary to popular belief, Roses did not actually sell roses.