Sexclamations: Candy is Too Sweet for the Bedroom

BY K.J. ADLER

I’ve gotten to that point in my career as a columnist where I ask people for ideas about what sort of topics I should cover.

I mean, what better means to please the public than by delivering what they want?

In one such instance I was preparing a presentation for one of my English classes with an older student who had decided to come back to college after a long-term hiatus.

We were sitting in Combs, contemplating how to best present the psychoanalytical intricacies found in Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein when someone passed by and commented on last week’s article.

“What did you write about?” My partner asked innocently.
“Oh, sex in the woods and how it could suck.”

I replied as I shifted through some lecture notes. I looked up to see my partner’s face light up.

“Ha, a sex column? Well, hon, if you want any words of wisdom, I’m the woman for you!”

And of course, rather than diving into our project we proceeded to procrastinate with her asking me if I had ever thought of certain sex moves and me shaking my head, dumbfounded by my newly-realized lack of knowledge on sex topics.

“What about this…” she said, smiling and shifting closer to me in her seat, her next sex tip dangling on the tip of her tongue.

“Pop Rocks!”

Pop Rocks?

People who were sitting around us, eavesdropping on our conversation began to snicker at this suggestion and I scratched my head.

After a few awkward insinuations and nudges finally someone just blurted out “When you’re giving head!”

Pop Rocks? I have to say the idea never crossed my mind.

Sure, I’ve heard of doing the deed after chewing some minty gum but Pop Rocks just sound sticky and almost dangerous.

Prompted by this strange discovery, I dove into the Internet to find some candies out there that could be both clean and tasty.

To my pleasant surprise, I discovered that sex treats come not only with full-bodied flavors but some also hold other magical properties.
For instance there are lubricants that not only have a wide range of flavors but can also tingle and warm up your happy parts.

There are even massage oils that allow you to get out the kinks while tickling your palate.

If you’re looking for something a little less slippery, there also exists an invisible, odorless powder that, when dabbed on the skin, tastes sweet and delicious.

A friend of mine once used it for a bit of sex play one night with her boyfriend.

“I dabbed it in three places and told him to find them,” she told me one night.

“Only, I told him that I had put the powder on four parts of my body. He got kind of frustrated but I couldn’t have cared less.”

Along with a wide range of powders and gels with such creative titles as “massage soufflé,” “body pudding,” and “tingle gel,” there is also a line of undergarments that can both be worn and consumed.

However I have heard that the stuff not only tastes awful but can stain your entire mouth: not an attractive feature for lovemaking.
While the candy styles are wide and diverse, the tastes and quality of each product can be a crapshoot.

But despite the danger of buying a sex candy that doesn’t taste quite right, each product is edible and safe to roll around in, unlike the stickiness of most other candies.

And while I do appreciate my project partner’s flare for creative candy applications, I don’t think the use of Pop Rocks on a person’s junk is my idea of a fun time with candy.

Even whipped cream and chocolate syrup can prove to be problematic with all of the nooks and crannies of the human anatomy.

For me I would say the best bet for sex and edible items is good old water products: ice cubes, steam, and warm water.

The possibilities are endless, clean, and create a sensation that almost anyone can enjoy.