The Weekly Ringer

The University of Mary Washington Student Newspaper

Top 5 Ways to Get Kicked Out of School

3 min read


Many of us will probably go through our college experience without ever brushing with the “law” on campus.  You live comfortably, go to class, laugh with friends; however, there are some of you out there who like to live dangerously.  You cannot stand the thought of being a good little boy or girl and get a thrill out of challenging authority, and often the realms of stupidity.
Well, I am here to for those who enjoy eating their meals with a switchblade and I will lay out the top ways to get yourself thrown out of Mary Washington, something valuable for every underage delinquent.

1. Pot.
If you have every said to yourself, “I want to be thrown out of school right now without going through any messy processes,” hang out with Pot.  Pot is the trump card on campus and all it takes is a bong rip on campus walk and you are gone faster than a pig out of a gun.  The school’s adamant One-Strike Policy for Marijuana will have you seeing stars if they see you with the goods.
So much for a green campus.

2.  Free Load.
We all love bumming around why not get a free education out of it.  Register for classes, go to Seacobeck, play on club teams, and never pay for any of it.  Why not? In this economic crisis, not paying for school is the easiest and most practical way to save money.  And, if you think free loading is not for you, give it a try!  I suggest attending the Free Loaders R US club meeting every Tuesday night for more information.

3.  Alcohol.
You’ll have to work a lot harder to get thrown out for alcohol than the previous two but it is so worth it.  Why not drink a beer or 15 on campus walk?  Why not take shots with James Farmer outside of Trinkle?  Why not take a drive with Frawley? The benefits are endless but make sure you get three strikes or you won’t be out!

4. Cheat.
Tired of studying? Then cheating is the thing for you!  For three easy payments of looking at your neighbor’s test, wandering your eyes, or faking a heart attack in an effort to stumble across the room and get answers. Not only will you get to dress up for the dinner the Honor Council will throw you before they guillotine your head, just think about all the money you will be saving now that you do not have to pay for school anymore.

5. Fail.
If anybody tells you it’s easy to fail out don’t believe them.  Those few and proud who have failed out will tell you it takes a lot of work, stamina, and determination.  It is hard work getting up every day and choosing to sleep instead of doing that 10-page paper on wood pulp.
In fact, freshman fall semester you can get a 0.0 GPA and you get to come back for the spring, consider it fall training for the spring season.  And even though you are not technically getting “kicked out” by failing class, those band of brothers feel it is just the same.
Hopefully, if you were lost and did not know where to begin in your expulsion phase of life, this list clarified a few things for all of you.  Happy expulsion!