Don't Call It A Comback (Seriously): Top 5 Resurrected Artists Who Should Have Stayed Dead

JOHN SHERIDAN

Michael Jackson
Who ever thought this man would see the light of day again after the past few years? I did, because he’s insane. The entire world just wants to see him moonwalk and do that high-pitched “hoo-hoo” thing he does. No dangling babies out of windows, no playing with our kids at his fantasy-land ranch, no public speaking with a veil on.
I just want to see those moves, performed exactly like I used to see on television. But he’s a decaying old zombie, you say? All the better for doing Thriller. If you didn’t already, and you know you should have, read Landon James’ article in the March 26 issue of the Bullet for more info on this comeback.

Flavor Flav
What do you do when your music career is over? In America, you get a spot on primetime cable. What do you do when you’re the most dispensable member of Public Enemy? You wear a huge clock around your neck and become the comic relief. What do you do years after Public Enemy disbands? You become the comic relief for all of America.
Axl Rose
Chinese Democracy, anticipated by many poorly-aging metal heads and ignorant shaggy-haired teens to be the White Album of rock and roll, was instead a thick slab of decent mediocrity slathered in Rose’s self-righteousness.
Adding insult to injury, he tried to rock those little hair braids. That was cool for about a year, possibly ’89, and is also acceptable only for 13-year-old girls to have done at a Wings in Myrtle Beach.

[Prince]
Specifically [Prince] when he changed his name to a symbol. I wish he had struck a deal with Microsoft to include a key for his name/symbol in every keyboard. That would make this article a lot easier. It’s not a pseudonym, and it’s not a real letter, but somehow it is phonetically pronounced “prince.’
It’s about a magical as his ability to get women. He never needed a comeback, he just needed to sit on that big purple motorcycle and look ambiguous.

Vanilla Ice
The timeline of Vanilla Ice’s success would look like the EKG of a man being defibrillated only once before the EMT realizes he is dead. That one point was “Ice Ice Baby”. Van Winkle allegedly considered his early image to have been created and manipulated by his record label, and that it was not his own.
Apparently his real identity is a lot more like the Insane Clown Posse, but with less credibility. Since 1994 Van Winkle has released multiple hard-rock albums, with titles such as Skabz and Bi-polar, receiving equally appealing reviews. For Vanilla Ice, don’t call it a comeback, because it never happened.