BY LANDON JAMES
Anybody who has spent more than one day on Mary Washington’s campus will come to understand that there are many things they leave out in the tours. In fact, they are very important things that every student and prospecting student has the right to know.
Behold my wisdom and powerful observatory mastery and be afraid.
1. The Echo Chamber-
Somewhere on campus, there is a chamber where, if you speak the correct words in the correct tone, you will actually produce an echo that will keep any sober person fascinated for hours. If you’re not sober, who knows how long you could be there? I can’t tell you where it is, because it’s your job to find it. But don’t tell your friends where it is, just allude to the fact that there is an echo chamber on campus and that you found it. Act like it’s not a big deal and watch your friends squirm trying to figure out where it is.
2. The Shimmering Staircase-
Another mystical location on campus that is left off the tour is the shimmering staircase. Glimmering and glowing at the right time, in the right spot, you can see a staircase that does its name justice. A perfect place to enjoy by yourself or take a loved one and act like you are the first and only person who knows about the mystical staircase. Tell your lover you are naming it after them, and your Facebook relationship status is bound to change. Once again, it is not my duty to show you the road to these campus “gems” but merely provide you the tools to discover the treasure on your own.
3. The Spine of Campus-
Let your inner science side come out as you attempt to discover the backbone that holds this creaking, osteoperosis-ridden, hunching campus together. The spine of campus might not be as obvious as you think it is, so use discretion, debate, and intelligence if you have any to find this other wonder of campus. Find it yourself because I am not telling you.
4. Underground Tunnels-
Many eons ago when dark lords ran Mary Washington, there was a rather elaborate network of underground tunnels spanning the entirety of campus. Rumors circled and many people claimed the tunnels were used for underground transportation. Others said alligators infested the tunnels and would snag a student every once in awhile. The most popular rumor claims the University hired a centaur and threw vigilante students in the tunnels in an attempt to try and overcome the centaur in exchange for the dropping of all judicial charges.
5. Seacobeck’s Food-
If you have ever taken a tour or lived on campus for more than a day, chances are you have eaten at Seacobeck Dining Hall. The tour guide will excite you with the promise and prospect of delicious and mass-produced food. They also say it’s good. Don’t be fooled by these desperate claims to win over your appetite and affection. Students who have graduated will explain that Seacobeck’s food has always been a mystery the world may never solve.
Enjoy this guide and use it as a treasure map to understand our campus better and strap on that old eye patch and sword you thought you wouldn’t need again for awhile and solve those mysteries.