James Mucks Around

By Landon James

Welcome back to school from a hopefully awesome summer.  No doubt, many of you noticed several changes that the University made to the school while most of us were away.

Most notably, the school opened The Underground, a combination of live music, sandwiches named after your favorite residence halls and cozy booths that make it 5 o’clock everyday underneath Lee Hall. Expect to pay less than the Nest for your alcohol, but don’t expect to be able to use your meals—The Underground only accepts Flex, Eagle One, cash and credit cards.

Other than that, it appears that the campus did not make any other large changes.  For that reason, here are the top five changes the school should have made over summer break:

1.  Air Conditioning—
I think everyone can agree that installing air conditioning in all of the dorms would be more appreciated than replacing the signs on campus, but as of yet, it still has not happened.  If you are fortunate enough to live in Alvey, Arrington or the Apartments, then you already have the luxury of climate control.  For the rest us, waking up in a pool of sweat is just one of the many charms of dorm life.

2. Moving Sidewalks—
In a setting where arriving to class on time is smiled upon, it would be wise for the school to invest in some state-of-the-art travel technology.  Moving sidewalks would cut down on the impact walking to class has on our knees, thus making campus a healthier and happier place. Installing these souped-up sidewalks would not only make it easier to moonwalk on campus walk, but would also set the school apart from campuses where people actually walk places.

3. Water Fountains—
Have you ever walked down campus walk and realized how dry your mouth was from sleeping with your mouth open in the last class? Well, I certainly haven’t, but installing water fountains on campus walk would be an easy solution for parched lips.  Throwing in a Hawaiian Punch fountain here and there couldn’t hurt either.

4. Amusement Park—
Who needs Eagle Village when you can have Eagle Mountain? Imagine the nation’s largest university-themed amusement park right by campus and paid for entirely by alumni donations. Not only would this cause school spirit to go up, but it would also open up more opportunities for campus jobs as large animal mascots.

5.  Giant Hot Tub—
There is so much unused space on campus. A giant hot tub is the perfect way to make use of it all.  Nothing would feel better after a long day of classes than being able to step into a giant hot tub the size of Ball circle.  People would be more relaxed, everyone’s skin would be healthier, and little campus-employed bellhops could bring people towels, sparkling mountain water and delicious margaritas to people with fake UMW ID’s.