As the semester is quickly hurtling towards oblivion, the real men on campus are preparing for a talent and beauty competition that puts the pathetic Ms. Universe to shame.
Yes, as I’m sure you figured out by now, the Mr. UMW competition is once again upon us. Today at 7 p.m. in Dodd Auditorium, surrounded by screaming fans and newborn un-kissed babies, a male representative from every dorm and one for the commuters will compete against each other in sportswear, formal wear, talent, and question-and-answer sections of the competition.
Although not a nationally recognized competition, it is common knowledge that the winner of Mr. UMW is coronated as Pope and given control of the Catholic Church for one miraculous day.
By now, if you are not convinced, here are five more reasons to sit in the bony chairs of Dodd:
The number one reason to attend Mr. UMW is obvious…to see me!
Not only will I be representing the UMW Apartments, but I will be vanquishing the competition in a whirl of talent, bow ties and feathers unmatched by any previous contender.
Don’t be deceived, the show is about me from start to finish. Not only will the privilege of seeing me compete raise your downtrodden and educationally exhausted spirits, but it will be pure poetry in motion.
Don’t worry, I’ll be a just and fair Pope for a day and I won’t forget to give as many free rides in the Pope-mobile as I can manage.
Either way, it will be your privilege to come and witness my winning performance and a bit of history in the making.
2. Social Status
Mr. UWM is the place to be Nov. 11, and everybody knows it. At a school where if someone sneezes on campus walk everyone hears about it, don’t miss your chance to be in the hip social loop.
After all, you don’t want to be the only loser around the beer bong and Natty Light who didn’t go see Mr. UMW. No schoolwork, group meeting, or girlfriend is more important to your collegiate persona than being seen at this competition.
You can even put it on your resume! So, for your own social status and well-being, come to Mr. UMW or simply rot at the bottom of Mary Washington’s social ladder like the food from Seacobeck.
If nothing else, Mr. UMW is the most entertaining event this campus puts on. From Lady Gaga-themed dance numbers, to full air-band performances of Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing,” to miss such an event is definitely enough to put you on Santa’s naughty list.
There’s nothing better than people embarrassing themselves on a stage for your morbid amusement. Clap and cheer if you like, but it is the panel of celebrity judges that ultimately decide the fate of the contestants.
Throwing rotten fruit and vegetables is forbidden, but throwing money on the stage when Mr. Apartments competes is highly encouraged. Mix a little choreography, Lady Gaga, beat boxing, and a shot or two of Jagermeister (if you’re old enough of course) in your drink and you’ve got pure gold.
Safety is always important. Mr. UMW is a completely safe and harmless event, but if you decide to stay in, watch Glee, and pick your nose, not only will you have 13 years of bad luck, but I will personally come and haunt your dreams for the rest of your life.
If you thought Freddy Krueger was good with dreams, just wait till all you can dream about is cutting the grass at a golf course with children’s left-handed scissors and trying to balance Judy Hample’s checkbook.
It makes my head hurt just thinking about it, but imagine how painful it will be when all my creative wrath is bent on making your nightmares as confusingly agonizing and miserable as possible. For your own safety and mental wellbeing, I behoove you, go to Mr. UMW.
Come on all you crazy UMW ladies. I know you are all looking for some real men in your lives. Well, look no further!
The finest crop of imported man will be on display at the Mr. UMW competition for your viewing and seducing pleasures. Not only can these men dance and sing, but they make a mean omelet and can tolerate agonizingly long walks on the freezing beach!
If the other four reasons have not persuaded you to come to Mr. UMW tonight, then think about your future. Every woman needs a strong intelligent man in their lives and Mr. UMW has got plenty!
Even though they pale in comparison, beauty, and social status to Mr. Apartments, there are still some good apples left in the bunch. But, you will just have to come see for yourself whether or not the next Mr. UMW is the next love of your life.
[Photo: Last year’s Mr. UMW competition was a real crowd-pleaser. Credit: Paul Tindall/Bullet]