The Weekly Ringer

The University of Mary Washington Student Newspaper

Top 5 Stocking Stuffers

4 min read

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As Thanksgiving quickly fades away in our seasonal rear-view mirrors, the world as we know it is gearing up for another crazy Christmas season.

However, with the coming of the Yuletide also come the inevitable stresses that the holiday season brings. From Black Friday onward, the gloves are off and morals are thrown out the window when it comes to Christmas shopping.

It is survival of the fittest.

In a time where the economy is faltering, jobs are tight, and pockets just aren’t as deep as they used to be, it is hard finding gifts that say just what you want them to say for the right price.

So, once again, I will come to your aid and give you this season’s top five Christmas gifts on a budget. It will be just as fun seeing your friends and family’s expressions when they open their gifts knowing that you still have enough change for that extra stiff glass of egg nog.

1. Coal

What better way to show somebody how naughty you think they are than a sparkling, soft, smooth on the skin, lump of black coal. Didn’t you hear? Pet rocks are so yesterday; the new hip thing to have now is your own pet lump of coal!

Place a pair of googly eyes on the front, wrap the little guy up in a nice box, and give it to that really special someone in your life. After all, naughty can be nice sometimes, right? Best of all, you do not even have to leave your living room or deal with long lines to get some of the best lumps out there.

Simply reach into your fireplace, close your eyes, feel which coal is calling to you, and pick out that special clump of soot. The unwavering versatility, pop culture popularity, and free accessibility of coal makes it the top gift to get on a budget this holiday season.

2. Head Scratcher

Perhaps the greatest invention man has ever created to pleasure himself, the head scratcher is a gift that keeps on giving. What looks like a whisk that has had the bottom cut clean off, this little wonder makes you feel like you are having a head orgasm, every time, all the time. It is the single most easy way to get distracted, but also the most enjoyable.

Plus, it is a communal affair. Massaging your head by yourself in a room is fun, but you cannot really do a good job on yourself. You need another person’s touch to truly send you into the sensual stratosphere. It is the perfect stocking stuffer and even better desk companion. Nothing warrants a good study break like a head scratcher. If you want to blow people’s minds and head sensitivity over the holidays, pick one of these bad boys up at Bed Bath and Beyond and go to town.

3. Long Johns

What more could you ask for other than a pair of underwear that goes from your ankles all the way up to your neck? It is like the world’s largest and longest turtle neck ever!

These inexpensive items provide the perfect layer of warmth and are completely unnoticeable from the outside. This means you can be warm while still fashionable and hip. Ladies, we all know that tights are all the rage with yall, so why not try the real thing and put on a sexy pair of red Long Johns. After all, if you got the goods then you can make anything look good.

Tis’ the season to be warm!

4. PEZ Dispenser

You can never go wrong with a classic gift like a PEZ candy dispenser. Not only is the candy a delicious form of nourishment, but the dispenser itself is a fashion statement every time you whip it out. Give the person the right PEZ dispenser and it’s like make matching somebody with their soul mate.

With almost every conceivable cartoon character to date available, there are plenty of PEZ in the sea and plenty of options for whoever you are shopping for. Best of all, you can do your Christmas PEZ shopping while waiting in the check-out line at the grocery store. How convenient!

5. Lottery Ticket

The only thing better than getting a gift is getting a gift that could possibly win you thousands of dollars. With new varieties, styles, and money prizes constantly being released, you have an incredibly large selection to choose from.

Plus, you can conveniently do your lottery ticket shopping while you pay for gas, cigarettes, or that Colt 45 that is helping you get through that annoying Christmas party you have to go to.

Ranging anywhere from a dollar to over $10, you can find the style and denomination that is right for whoever you have in mind. The beauty of it is, no matter how little you spend on the ticket the prospects of winning more are still the same, so nobody can complain.

Instead of just giving somebody cash for Christmas, give them the thrill of tempting fate, scratching lottery tickets, and probably not winning any money.