Thought You Knew: Keep Pregnancy Accidents Private

I like kids as much as the next person (as long as the next person doesn’t like kids too much).

What I’m saying is, I like kids as much as the next person who isn’t a pedophile.

I used to be in the “kids are the worst” camp, but then I decided as long as they’re not ugly or dirty or of below-average intelligence or named something stupid like Frappucinno, I am pro-children.

In fact, one day in the unforeseeable future, I wouldn’t even mind having one or two pet humans of my own. Having kids is the perfect activity for the narcissist who has already mastered Twitter, is proficient at blogging and owns all of the world’s mirrors. Having a child is like saying, “I’m so great, I made another me.”

What’s not to love about that?

I’ll tell you what’s not to love.

Logging onto Facebook to post a really funny video and getting distracted by pictures of a girl from high school’s newborn baby is something not to love.

Most newborns look like aliens without the added bonus of being from space. The pictures of this girl’s spawn are even less cute than the pictures she put up, oh let’s say, 10 months ago of her dancing in cages in Cabo with her “gurlz.”

I’m not a fan of seeing pictures of a girl from my middle school basketball team’s giant, disgusting, pregnant stomach taking up valuable space on my news feed that could be filled with anything else. Also, I despise frequent status updates about how thrilled they are that sobriety and dirty diapers are replacing their hopes and dreams. I’m not a fan of those either.

“But pregnancy is beautiful and babies are a gift, Jordan.”

“Don’t be such a dick, Jordan.”

“Just de-friend them if it bothers you so much, Jordan.”

While those are valid points, this is my column. Instead, I’m going to say potentially offensive things about strangers on Facebook during what, I’m sure, is a difficult, though probably rewarding, time in their lives. I’m going to do that. You can leave now if you’re not feeling it.

Anyway, yeah pregnancy and human life are beautiful (if you’re into fat chicks and existing), but liars aren’t beautiful and that’s what all of the barely legal pregnant girls on my Facebook are. They are huge liars.

Their photo captions and status updates about “blessings,” “joy” and “excitement” for the pile of cells they’re cooking up don’t fool me. No one thinks for one second that these young women chose to get knocked up, drop out of school and start working as receptionists at oceanfront tattoo shops.

However, accidents happen. If my future kids ever ask me where babies come from, I think my only response will be “Hey, accidents happen. Now go to bed.”

I have no problem with the fact they’re having kids. Great for them. Life handed them lemons and they’re making babies, or something.
I admire their ability to put a positive spin on things, but let’s be real.
You’re trying to tell me that, at 21, you had nothing better to do than bring another human being into the world who is entirely dependent on you not being a monumental failure?

Most of us are going to be alive for a really long time. Some might say too long. Why would you ever choose to do something this big so early in life?

I’m not asking that women my age stop having kids. I’m not advocating abortion. I just think we should all acknowledge that their obvious lies and over-sharing are unnecessary.

This is a call for honesty and a plea that some things just should be kept private.

When given the option between keeping the baby, vacuuming it out or giving it up to people who put ads in school newspapers about wanting to buy your kids, I’d probably hang on to it too.

I would also delete my Facebook. There have to be more important things to worry about than whether or not my elementary school classmates think Jordan Jr. has my ears.