By LANDON JAMES

As spring so teasingly begins to rear its head, UMW students have one thing on their minds…sex.

As the campus slowly starts to blossom and bloom, the scents of passion begin to permeate the air above campus. And what better way to welcome the new warm weather than some wholesome exercise?

On a campus full of secret passageways, underground tunnels, and more nooks and crannies than you can shake a stick at, it’s important to know where the places on campus to get your Marvin Gaye on.

Alas, fear no more, for I am here to guide you through the top five places on campus to fornicate. And no, you don’t have to thank me.

1. Amphitheatre

Take your lover on a trip back through time and surround yourself in the luxurious, spacious Amphitheatre!

Just imagine yourself in the sweet Mediterranean, lounging on a nude beach with you and your exotic mate, not a care in the world but love.

In addition to a wide terrace, larger than any bed on the market, there’s always the possibility of dinner and a show. On occasion, strapping young army personnel enjoy rabble-rousing a little in the Grecian ruins. But don’t worry, they won’t disturb you; they’re only interested on seeing who can pull a column down the fastest.

Nothing like a little danger to get the juices flowing. Hoo-rah.

2. Trinkle Sound Rooms

There is more to Trinkle than meets the one-eyed monster. Not only is it the place to be for classics, religion and philosophy, but it’s also a prime location for a little sexual misconduct.

In one of the rooms on the top floor––you’ll have to do some reconnaissance to find out which––there’s a sound room overlooking theatre-style seating.

To most, it’s simply a sound room, but to the sexually deprived and/or addicted, this is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

Not only will you be in an elevated position of sexual prowess and power, but the room is soundproof. What could be better? Now you can do the nasty and not miss lecture at the same time!

Who knows? The amount of philosophical thought in the air could even lead to a sexually enlightening experience.

3. Simpson Library

Of all the places on campus to find some cozy privacy, the Simpson Library no doubt takes the cake. The sexy cake.

Since talking is discouraged anyway, just get down to business. There are plenty of nooks and crannies, but the tree houses on the third floor are the crème de la crème for that elevated sexual experience.

And from within the glassed-in study rooms, you can be the king and/or queen of the library and can do as you please.  Assert your dominance and stake your claim.

If you happen to be a squealer, grab a big slice of sausage pizza from the Eagle’s Nest to keep the moaning to a minimum.

Now you know what really goes on in the third floor.

4.  Eagle Landing Rotunda

Now’s the time to get the most out of your hard-earned tuition dollars.

Just grab your main squeeze, a bottle of Jameson, and cozy up next to the warm fire in the Eagle Landing Rotunda. Not only do you have a killer view of Route 1, you have copious amounts of university furniture to fornicate on, crafted with the most care a convict could offer.

Plus, contrary to popular belief, the Eagle Landing Rotunda is actually the official UMW temple for Aphrodite, the Greek goddess of love. So send up a burning offering of sexual passion to the goddess that started it all.

Worst case scenario: an RA discovers your sexual orgy and asks to join.

Best case scenario: Aphrodite herself graces you with her presence and blesses you with the condom that never breaks and instantly triggers infinitesimal orgasms every time you scream “Landon!”

If you thought you knew what an orgasm felt like before, you were severely mistaken. So hurry over to Eagle Landing, make your sexual offering, and discover the mysterious pleasure to be had in the word “Landon.”

5. Hurley’s Desk

Ah, this is where all the business really gets done. Just swipe those papers off the desk, hike up that skirt, and play the best damn skin flute you can.

While doing the dirty, you might as well take some time and go over a few legal documents. Feel free to make changes where necessary, because a little white out never hurt nobody. After all, students are supposed to be a part of our University’s decision process right?

It is your collegiate duty to leave your mark on campus and why not do it on some documents that’ll forever shape the future of our school?

As long as Hurley doesn’t decide to revisit those crazy disco days and install black lights in the workroom you’re in the clear.

So work on crossing those T’s and dotting those I’s and see just how influential the student body can be.

Now that you have some direction, go out and make the most of these wonderful passion pits so graciously placed around our campus.

But remember, fornicating in public can be a crime, so make sure whoever you’re doing the dirty with ain’t no chump. After all, the men in prison are a lot more sexually deprived than you.