The Weekly Ringer

The University of Mary Washington Student Newspaper

Top 5 Reasons to Practice Abstinence

4 min read

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In lieu of my last Top 5, you may have been under the impression that I not only advocate sex in public places on campus, but sex in general.

However, there are always two sides to every condom and I would not be an objective investigative reporter if I did not at least give both sides a chance for their voice to be heard.

So instead of lecturing you like any high school health class can do, I am going to guide you through the top five reasons why abstinence is the hippest thing since sliced bread.

1. Safety

The most obvious reason for abstaining is simple: no sexually transmitted diseases! Yay!

Now, I know many of you readers out there love the taste of danger and enjoy pushing the limits, but just keep in mind the physical repercussions that you might encounter from giving into that one night of drunken passion without that rubber. No matter how daring and invincible you think you are, urinating fire can even bring Superman to his knees.

So put yourself and your safety first and just remember what Smokey the Bear always said, “Only you can prevent fiery urination.”

2. Sex is Immoral

One thing to always keep in mind is that Jesus is always watching you. Like Sting, Jesus is watching every move you make, every step you take, and every vow you break. Not only will you lose all your chips if you play your v-card too early, but the loser’s ring is none other than the ninth circle of hell.

Despite the flames that torment the other eight circles of hell, you will enjoy the necessity of keeping your beer cold as you freeze beside Brutus, Cassius, and Judas Iscariot, the best drinking buddies in the world. That’s right if you have sex, you are not only betraying yourself, but you are betraying God.

Just try living with that on your conscience for the rest of eternity as you watch Judas being eaten alive by Satan himself. Now if that is not a good reason to abstain then I don’t know what is.

3. Children

This should be one of the most compelling reasons to run in the opposite direction screaming at simply the mention of sexual intercourse.

Not only must you take into consideration the types of genetics you are experimenting with, but having to push a stroller everywhere you go not only makes it harder to go drinking with your buddies on Friday night, but life in general.

Furthermore, all it takes is one little pinprick in the free condoms at the health center to give that one ambitious little swimmer the opportunity to reach for the gold. And believe me, that is the one Olympic event you don’t want to win.

So next time you think about doing the dirty, just think about the children, you do not want to be having that is.

Plus, once you have a child, all it takes is getting it wet or feeding it after midnight to have an apocalyptic infant infestation on your hands and I’ll be damned if I live to see that happen on our campus.

4. Bad Genes

Sometimes abstaining from sex is not simply an issue of morals. Sometimes you have to look at the greater picture and think about humanity as a whole.

Now, don’t get me wrong, everybody deserves to find love and be loved, but you have to take into consideration what type of genetic pools you are mingling. Sex is not always all it is cracked up to be; in fact, sometimes it just should not happen at all.

And don’t think I’m advocating some sort of superior Aryan race, if anything I’m simply trying to prevent genetic mutations and X-Men from being created accidentally. Last thing we need are mutant babies that can bend metal with their minds and shoot lasers out of their eyes.

So don’t take it personally, there might be somebody out there for you, or there might not, but keeping things in your pants for the time being might just be the best option for you and humanity.

5. Awkward Mornings

There is hardly anything worse or more embarrassing than blacking out from too many Jell-O shots and waking up the next morning naked and confused, in somebody else’s apartment, lying beside Lord knows who, and having to piece together the blacked out puzzle of your night.

If you are lucky, you can hopefully slip out before the sleeping giant awakes, but once your mystery partner wakes up it is all downhill from there. Plus, on a small campus like UMW, there is no escaping the awkward encounters that come free of charge once you purchase the awkward morning. It’s a two-for-one deal that can’t be beat, except by abstinence.

So put down that Natty Light, stop giving everyone the sexual hungry hippo glare, and walk back home arm-in-arm with your dignity and self-respect.

After all, at UMW, most of the students surveyed said that between the sheets one is more fun, so snuggle up with you and your bad self and leave the awkward mornings for someone with less civility than you.

Well, there you have it, the top five reasons to drop sex like a dirty, STD-infected, bad habit. So throw away those “holey” condoms, get chummy with Jesus, and relish in your newfound sexual sobriety.

And always remember, Jesus and Sting are always watching.