A Final Week of ‘Studying’

By CLAIRE PICKARD

Finals week is coming up, and, of course, the only sex we’re thinking about is in chromosomes and meiosis study guides. After all, college is about learning. However, as difficult as many of you may find this, it’s important not to let yourself be consumed by your passion for academic excellence.

In between late-night study sessions in the library and desperate, 1 a.m. coffee runs, make time for life’s simpler pleasures. Maybe that means getting hot and heavy in one of the Simpson treehouses, or maybe it means capping off an all-nighter with an early-morning wake-up call. Caffeine and adrenaline are great ways to stay charged during finals week, but the energy from those eight cans of Amp has to be released somewhere.

If you don’t have the time, or the clean laundry for a trip to the gym, sex is a great way to burn calories, stave off mind-numbing boredom and relieve tension. In addition, you can use it as an incentive to finish projects. Few things motivate like the promise of getting your rocks off. With that in mind, here are some tips for putting the “we” in “finals week.”

Don’t go in with high expectations. Everyone is sleep-deprived, unwashed and peeing out espresso. Sometimes, this will make for unexpectedly great sex, the key word being “unexpectedly.” None of those three things have a high success rate in bed. Just go with the flow and get what you can.

If you study in your room, go to your partner’s for other activities. I believe the saying goes, “don’t defecate where you eat.” When you strongly associate a particular room with fun times, it will only make it harder to get work done there. If everyone tries this, hilarity will ensue. Although, in a pinch, there’s always Annex A.

Eat food other than Pop-Tarts and Easy Mac. This is just a matter of health. If you have sugar coming out of your pores and you don’t have the energy to get across the room, that’s not sexy. Put those veggies back on your plate!

Don’t rely on the sad trope of “wanna study?” If you’re actually interested in studying, that’s fine. If you’re not, you use that line and they do want to study for finals, you’re going to have several deeply frustrating hours filled with notebooks, small talk and unresolved sexual tension. Besides, it’s such a cliché that it can’t even be used ironically anymore, and I know how much you dirty hipsters love irony.

Whether you’re “studying for anatomy” or actually studying, the most important thing to remember over the next two weeks is that balance is key. If you don’t take care of yourself, you can’t expect people to come running when you need a break from cramming. Also, if anyone manages a successful hook-up in the library, share the knowledge! We could all stand to learn a few things this semester.