Burn your cargos, become a man

By PEYTON SPIVEY

Cargo shorts. I hate them.

In my opinion, cargo shorts are one part of the 1990s that should have stayed in the 20th century.

Of course, there is a time and a place for everything, and even those ugly shorts have a function. Fishing and hiking, for example. You need all those pockets to store “outdoorsy” things. Military uniforms are also an exception to this rule. Ladies love a uniform, no matter how many pockets are on it.

But you, dude walking around campus with cargo shorts on, do not have a fishing pole, and it is a safe bet that you are not a member of the armed forces. Why do you need so many pockets? Are you squirreling away tater tots à la Napoleon Dynamite? Were they a birthday gift you would feel bad leaving in the back of the closet? Is it laundry day?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, then ew. Buy your own clothes and do your laundry earlier.

If you are over the age of 18, and you still wear those shorts, get rid of them. Now. They are unprofessional and unflattering. Do not even wear them to the mall to buy new shorts.

Once you have burned those nasty things, feel free to enter the wonderful world of men’s (not boy’s) shorts. If you follow these easy rules you will never look like a tool again.

1. Buy the right length, and keep them there. Mid-thigh to just below the knee is perfect. If you are feeling adventurous, Chubbies short-shorts might be for you. Also, buy a belt to keep them on your hips. No one has time for your Valentine’s Day boxers in September.

2. Color is your friend. A white or gray shirt goes with everything, and color means confidence.

3. You can never go wrong with a standard pair of khakis. Black and navy blue will also take you far.

4. Chino and twill are the only fabric you ever need to buy.

5. Repeat after me: “I will buy plain front shorts. I will buy plain front shorts. I will buy plain front shorts.”

Now you are probably thinking, “But Peyton, where can I find these magical boy-to-man transformative pants?” Old Navy, my friend. If you have some cash, J. Crew, Brooks Brothers and Vineyard Vines are all great places to buy men’s shorts.

Men of UMW, burn the cargos, go forth and shop. Sic Semper Cargo Shorts.