UC Dining’s beautifully inconsistent menus teaches patience, humbles students

By CHRIS MARKHAM

This year, Campus Dining has made an exerted effort to help University of Mary Washington students appreciate common food more by making them less available, and for that, I’m grateful. Taking away what we students want teaches humility and patience, two invaluable skills that college students do not usually learn. Dining has also hosted many events to bolster their menu, and provide cultural flare.

At the new and improved Joe Stacks, bacon, once obscenely available every day, is now exclusive to certain days of the week. Not only does this save thousands of pigs, but saves our diets as well.

Anybody who needs bacon every day is obviously in a bad place. Estelle the omelet lady has her omelet bar open only a few days out of the week as well. In the old Seaco, the omelet line extended out the doors due to the high demand for her delicious morsels. Now,in a bold new strategy, the unpredictability of when the omelet bar will be open keeps students on theirtoes and the line at bay.

Even milk is often unavailable, another wise strategy. Too much milk can be bad for students and we’re better off saving the cows. Milk is pretty much only used for cereal anyway.

“My favorite day of the week is Monday because the gods give us milk and bacon on that day,” said freshman Hannah Parker. “It’s a privilege to have these available to me and I won’t take it for granted.”

This year, Dining has also replaced sliced cheese with shredded cheese on the WOW Wingery burgers.

Not only is the sparsely laid, unmelted cheese more pleasant than a traditional sliced kind, it is also a more expensive alternative, showing that Dining is not compromising taste for price. On a recent Destination Day, they brought back the sliced cheese for the prospective students. But why? If we prefer the shredded cheese so much, why show prospective students something that they won’t actually receive?

“When prospective students come here, they better not demand that ridiculous sliced cheese that they’re used to,” said junior Ethan Tobin. “We’re a shredded cheese kind of school and they better like it.”

This semester, Dining has even hosted a “futuristic dinner” night. At this dinner, I enjoyed the most delicious, futuristic sandwich I’ve ever had. It must’ve been taken straight out of the future because there is no way any man or woman has ever thought of putting meatballs on a sub roll. They called this creation a “meatball sub.” Now I’m not from the future, but this innovation sounds too advanced for today’s society.

Dining has even taken the liberty of having cultural celebration nights. During the period of Arabic cultural celebration, the UC played traditional Arabic music. This music made my otherwise very American food taste much more Arabic.

My proposal for the next Dining event is Water Wednesday. Like bacon, students don’t need water every day of the week. Too much water leads to too much urination which leads to unnecessary plumbing bills for the school.

I can’t wait to see what Dining has in store for the rest of the semester. Perhaps, one day, wings will be served at the wingery.

This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition and is intended to be satirical in nature. All information or quotations are made up and not to be taken seriously.