Vocelli’s biker convicted of BUI, Sammy D. Eagle in critical condition

By KELLY EMMRICH & ETHAN TOBIN 

On Saturday night around 9 p.m. an employee of the Vocelli’s delivery team hit the University of Mary Washington mascot Sammy D. Eagle in front of the spirit rock. A UMW student who was a witness on the scene tweeted “OMG eagle down!!!!” at the UMW campus police.

According to several witnesses who were playing humans vs. zombies, a Vocellis delivery boy allegedly lost control of his bike heading northwest down Campus Walk towards the Nest and collided with Eagle. Upon impact, Eagle was found unconscious and received second degree burns to the face from multiple pizza pies flying out of the cart.

“I first noticed something was wrong when there were pizzas on the ground. I’m only used to seeing spilled Qdoba,” said one witness. “It was shocking.”

Two first responders from Eagle Patrol came on the scene after reading a thread of the event on Yik Yak. Upon arrival they smelled alcohol on the Vocelli worker’s breath.

“Typically we respond to three to five Qdoba spills per week, but we knew this one was different,” said an Eagle Patrol responder. “I came to the realization that you had to be drunk to drop pizza.”

After questioning and assessing the scene, Eagle Patrol cited the Vocelli’s biker for a BUI (biking under the influence) and revoked biking privileges for the remaining time of the semester.

In asking to comment on their heroics, one Eagle Patrol officer responded with poise.

“Vocelli bikers have a longstanding history of biking dangerously close to pedestrians walking through campus. Unfortunately, Sammy D. Eagle was in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

After receiving applause from a middle school tour group one Eagle Patrol responder waved and said, “we’re just here to do our job and serve the UMW community.”

Sammy D. Eagle was immediately rushed to the student health center and given 200mg of animal tranquilizer and sent home to recuperate.

Following the incident, groundskeepers were sent over to the scene to clean the pizzas off of Campus Walk. Upon arriving to the scene, the groundskeeper reported a clean walkway. Students reported seeing a swarm of Willard residents rushing out to collect the scattered pizzas around the spirit rock and ran back into their rooms never to be seen again.

Vocelli’s released a statement, saying that “measures would be taken to ensure that students are not hit on campus.” Vocellis also plans to breathalyze all of their bikers before the start of their shifts.

This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition and is intended to be satirical in nature. All information or quotations are made up and not to be taken seriously.