‘Golf cart guy’ brings home gold for UMW

By GINNY BIXBY

Viewpoints Editor

On Saturday, Mar. 24, several UMW golf cart drivers participated in the Twenty-Third Annual University of George’s Mom Golf Cart Racing World Cup. The event also included athletes from Christopher Newport University and Our Lady of Perpetual Motion College.

UMW junior Ryan Brauch, an experienced golf carter, won the cup.

“It is such an honor to have won the cup,” said Brauch. “Golf carting is my one true passion. I didn’t come to UMW for academics, I came here for the golf carting program. It is really too bad that the school doesn’t offer scholarships for the sport.”

The events consisted of circular races around Ball Circle, cross country races from Eagle Landing to the Bell Tower, and a popular event known as “Student Bowling”, where athletes race down Campus Walk trying to knock down as many students as possible. Athletes receive bonus points in this particular event if a student they knock over drops their Qdoba bowl.

Golf cart driving has become a long standing tradition on the UMW campus due to its illustrious history of being a favorite sport of Mary Washington herself. In many of her letters to her son, former president George Washington, Mary Washington lamented how she missed her daily golf cart rides around their property that George joined her on as a child, and she credited George’s success as a leader to his experience as a golf cart driver.

“I feel a true kinship with George Washington himself since we both have a history of golf carting,” said Brauch. “I’ve heard speculation that Donald Trump may be a golf carter as well, since he spends so much time at his golf courses. Maybe it’s a presidential skill, which would be helpful in my goal to one day become president.”

The sport of golf carting has proved controversial on the UMW campus. While the purpose of the campus golf carts is primarily to transport students from place to place on campus, drivers have often taken this time to practice their golf carting skills, racing across campus and nearly running over students. Many students have voiced their complaints to administration about the issue.

“The cup is a disgrace to UMW values,” senior Es Hethcox said. “I can’t peacefully drink my iced mocha from Blackstone while walking down Campus Walk without fear of being flattened by one of those glorified chauffeur trash.”  

“Last Halloween when he was wearing his Winnie The Pooh costume, I saw Dean Rucker almost get pummeled by a cart. This would have been such a tragedy for the UMW community,” said Hethcox.

A student who asked to remain anonymous for fear of retaliation said that she feels that even when performing their actual duties, the golf carters only give rides to female students that are conventionally attractive.

“They’re only interested in picking up hot girls,” said the student. “When they’re not goofing off and practicing for their races, they are flirting. They need to do their jobs.”

Brauch vehemently denied these claims, and added, “cart is life.”

This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition and is intended to be satirical in nature. All information or quotations are made up and not to be taken seriously.