Staff Ed: Seven reasons why you “shouldn’t” vaccinate your children

By THE BLUE AND GRAY EDITORIAL BOARD

Since the beginning of the year, more than 100 individual cases of measles have been reported in ten states. In light of this exciting news, the Blue & Gray would like to provide you with a comprehensive list of why you should never vaccinate your children.

1. Someone told you vaccines cause autism.

In 1997, Dr. Andrew Wakefield published a study that linked the measles, mumps, rubella (MMR) vaccine to increased rates of children with autism. He has “doctor” right there in the title! Well, he did. He’s since had his medical license revoked because of massive credibility issues associated with the study, which was ultimately retracted. Numerous subsequent studies have found no correlation between vaccines and autism. But, actress Jenny McCarthy, your great aunt Shirley and your neighbor Dave (not Sketchy Dave, Nice Dave Who’s Always Really Excited To See Your Wife But Never Really Warmed Up To You) are all excellent sources whose limited medical knowledge should influence all decisions you make about your child’s health.

2. Now, you don’t have to outright say you hate people with disabilities.

You can instead just say “I’d rather my kid die from a preventable disease than have any sort of disability,” which is obviously much better.

3. Home remedies are much more fun than traditional vaccinations.

Natural cures for preventable diseases like whooping cough include vitamins, honey, mushrooms and just plain eating right. So much more fun than a boring old shot! Also much, much less effective, but honestly? Worth it.

4. We as a society should just toughen up.

A fun thing about measles is that it’s super easy to prevent and incredibly difficult to treat. Our parents told us that we should always work hard and that sometimes we can’t take the easy way out, and we’re pretty sure this is exactly what they meant.

5. Natural immunity is better than vaccine-acquired immunity.

In many cases, natural immunity – that is, actually getting sick from a disease – is stronger than the immunity you get from a vaccination. Of course, contracting measles results in a one in 500 chance of death, while the odds of experiencing a severe allergic reaction to the MMR vaccine is less than one in a million. We’re not totally sure how numbers work, but we’re confident vaccines are bad.

6. “Herd immunity” will prevent massive outbreaks of preventable diseases, so long as enough people continue getting vaccinated.

Thanks, other people’s kids!

7. My kid genuinely cannot receive vaccines because of an autoimmune disorder or illness.

No worries there! The rest of us will keep your child safe from previously eradicated diseases! No collective danger he- Oh. Oh we see the problem. Oh dear. We really are truly sorry.