UMW launches new mental health program, “Go for a walk you ungrateful brats”

By KATE SELTZER

Editor-In-Chief

On March 31, UMW administration announced a new mental health initiative to combat the stress of an academic year like no other. #GoForAWalkYouUngratefulBrats (GFAWYUB) will go into effect next week.

“We know students are overworked, overwhelmed and struggling now more than ever,” said UMW Provost Nina Mikhalevsky. “We hear you, we see you, and we want to help. That’s why we’re so excited about #GFAWYUB.”

The idea behind #GFAWYUB is to get students out of their dorms ⁠— and heads ⁠— and into the outdoors. Any time students feel anxious or depressed or exhibit any other symptoms of mental illness, they are encouraged to post a picture to social media of themselves walking with the hashtag #GFAWYUB.

Because of the significant cost of promotion, #GFAWYUB will cost the school roughly $200,000. According to Mikhalevsky, those concerned about the cost should not fear: every student that participates will be given a free water bottle and a pen.

“I’m so grateful that UMW is really listening to our concerns as a student body,” said sophomore communication and digital studies major Josephine Johnson. “I thought that the announcement about a new mental health initiative might be to hire more counselors at the Talley Center, but this is equally good and effective.” 

Sophomore sociology and communication major Jess Kirby was one of the participants in a trial run for #GFAWYUB. 

“Within hours, I felt the depression leaving my body,” she said.

Mihalevsky hopes the new initiative will alleviate stress for burnt out students.

“We really hope students will take advantage of #GFAWYUB,” she said. “Also, we’ve decided to get rid of spring break permanently.”

This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition and is intended to be satirical in nature. All information or quotations are made up and not to be taken seriously.