UMW Does It: The Talk with Cosmy Pellis

by COSIMA PELLIS

Associate Editor

Hi, my name is Cosmy Pellis! I’m a senior here at UMW, double majoring in sociology and English with a creative writing concentration. 

The motivation behind starting this sex column is my strong belief that talking about sex shouldn’t be stigmatized. It’s actually really dangerous for these conversations to be so culturally restricted. This leaves people without the information they need to form healthy connections with their bodies and with other people, instead fostering a fear of sex, despite the fact that so many people still engage in it. I’ve heard it said that America is the most hypersexualized and prudish country all at once, and I think that’s absolutely true. 

When I was young, I could’ve really used this type of medium to be able to read about sexual topics without having to ask someone about them. I feel very sexually empowered now, but I haven’t always been that way. Open discussions about sex from an early age would have saved me from a lot of trauma, and I probably would have figured out my sexuality earlier. 

This column is a way for me to give advice to figure out what works for you and your sexual partner or partners, which is different for everyone. Everything represented here is my opinion—there are definitely other ways to approach these issues! However, I also want to give a trigger warning, as this particular article will have brief mention of sexual assault. 

I’m hoping that this sex column will be an outlet for you all to ask the hard questions that really matter to you and be met with understanding and helpful information. I want to be the big sister that you never had, making sex life less scary and more exciting. With that being said, let’s get into it.

I’ve often said that if you’re not comfortable talking to someone about sex, then you shouldn’t be having sex with that person. It blows my mind that we engage in such an intimate act with people that we can’t even be close to intellectually or communicate clearly with. 

It’s extremely important to make sure that standards of respect and communication are established early on in any sexual connection, no matter how casual or serious it is. I’m going to explore this especially in relation to kinks, because figuring out what you and your sexual partners are into can enhance your sex life… if done right. College is a time where we really figure out what we’re into and where our boundaries are, and it’s important to do this in an empowered way. 

Kinks are definitely a taboo topic. We don’t talk about them much, sometimes not even with our partners. But we should. The same way that people ask about turn-ons and turn-offs, kinks should be addressed up front. They can get pretty intense, though, and it’s important to figure out where your personal line is. It’s also crucial to understand what a kink is, as well as what is potentially morally questionable. That line might look different for everyone, which is exactly why this needs to be addressed and conversations need to start happening. 

No to kink-shaming. Yes to setting boundaries. And also, yes to kink-shaming within reason. 

Because it’s simply not cool to want to pretend to sexually assault someone as a kink, to give an example. Don’t let someone misuse the word or manipulate you to explore kinks you are not comfortable with. You are entitled to your own thought process, rather than simply being told to accept what someone considers their kink if you think it’s morally not okay. 

When figuring out how to address this, I think it can really help to find people you trust to bounce ideas off of. Whether this is your friend group, one trustworthy best friend, your sister, your therapist or really anyone that you feel comfortable with—if there are any kinks that your partner has expressed interest in that make you feel uneasy or unsure, it could help to run them by someone. And if you’re not sure about the first opinion you get, talk to someone else too. Compare notes. 

We need to normalize these conversations. Gone are the days where talking about sex is “unladylike,” “improper” or “obscene.” So many people do it, and it’s ridiculous to act like it’s some scandalous thing. Obviously, there is a time and place for everything. I’m not going to ask my grandma if she thinks it’s okay that my partner wants me to bark at them during sex. She’s cool, but not that cool. 

It’s also important to keep in mind that if you do go to a trusted person to talk about your sex life, and they express that they’re uncomfortable getting into the dirty details, they’re not the person to come to about those experiences. Asking consent even to talk about sex is a healthy practice.

I cannot stress how important this next part is. Doing something during sex that is intensely kinky, for instance acting like a child or choking someone hard, without asking for consent or having a talk beforehand, is a form of sexual assault. It is not okay for you or your partner to do something outside of your typical sexual acts without talking about it, because it can be immensely triggering for someone or even physically harmful if not done safely.  

If you’re the one who’s a little kinky, or a lot kinky, definitely bring it up with your partner early on. Of course, don’t do anything that they haven’t explicitly expressed they’re comfortable with. If they aren’t interested in trying your kink, a little bit of disappointment is valid, but it’s not okay to make your partner feel bad about it. You could talk about other things that they may want to try instead, and by keeping an open dialogue you might stumble upon some new ideas that you’re both interested in. Starting small, like trying a new position, could also be a healthy first step.

If the specific kink is something that feels absolutely necessary to your sexual experiences, they might not be the sexual partner for you, and you might try looking for someone who’s better suited to your interests. There’s no shame in this; we are so young and still figuring out what we like and what we don’t like, coming into our bodies and sexualities. I fully encourage trying new sexual experiences, as long as you have consent and the utmost respect for your sexual partners. 

Sex is natural, and let’s finally just say it, it’s fun! It can provide stress relief and deep connections with other people. It’s the most enjoyable when you have open, honest conversations with your partner and trusted people around you to make sure that you’re comfortable with everything that happens in your sexual life. Kinks can enhance your sex life as well, but under conditions where you are absolutely sure that trying something new is something both you and your partner are interested in. 

P.S. Feel free to send me any sex questions at weeklyringer.associate@gmail.com. I might address your question in the next column! Don’t worry—they’ll be anonymous.