In my time here at UMW, it has appeared that a staple to the culture here is construction. Therefore, we should lean into this tradition and mandate even more construction on campus. I know for a fact that none of us students can remember a time when the campus wasn’t under construction, and having a completely functioning campus would be too jarring to the lives we have become accustomed to during these past years.
In fact, when I most recently walked by Westmoreland Hall, the fence that blocked off the grass felt like a big hug, for it reminded me how comforting the sounds of construction vehicles are. The constant beeping, slamming and shouting sets the scene for our academic careers, which additionally creates a beautiful metaphor for our academic careers: As UMW is continually constructing its grounds, we are constructing our brains in class.
Scotti Mullen, a junior economics major and one of the news editors, said, “When I walk by, I look at the construction and I think about how my mind is in construction and the workplace where I go next shouldn’t be under construction.”
I would truly miss the oogles from the construction workers, too. I didn’t know that I could feel even more unsafe on campus after we had men trying to break into freshman dorms and a man walking by the amphitheater with no clothes last year. The fear and discomfort really make me grounded in my womanhood, which aids in Glenn Youngkin’s attempt to shun any information about trans or nonbinary people in schools. Worry not, Glenn, for the fear makes all of us want to be as normative as we can.
“Fear’s going to save us all,” said senior Life Editor and international business major Jo Good.
Having gaping holes in the middle of the ground also produces great opportunities for UMW students to bond. For example, when it rains, the holes fill up and create another pool on campus, which solves any issues we may have when it comes to open swim hours at the Goolrick Pool. Additionally, since the steam tunnels are the focus of the current construction project across campus, a little wrench usage to loosen some bolts is the perfect way to make a jacuzzi-type pool, thus elevating the amenities found on campus.
“The construction holes are probably cleaner than the bathtubs on campus, and I appreciate that,” said Good.
There is even a bright side to some inconveniences of having construction holes on campus.
Associate Editor and senior English and education double major Bernadette D’Auria said, “There’s nothing more fun than falling in a whole or looking at a mountain of dirt or waking up to the sound of trucks moving in front of your building. There’s nothing more soothing than that.”
The construction also gives chances for more ghosts to find their home at Mary Washington, which would make freshmen who don’t live in Virginia Hall feel more at home on campus. In fact, if enough bodies were buried in the construction holes, we wouldn’t even need RAs anymore, since we could designate a dorm for each particular ghost to tend to. Furthermore, this would be monetarily beneficial to the school since they would no longer have to pay RAs. The ghosts wouldn’t have anything else to do, and they could haunt any building they choose, which leads to a win-win scenario.
“As far as having more construction, I can’t imagine my college experience without it. All of the posters, all of the little cardboard signs, they really make it feel like home,” said Good.
All in all, it is only beneficial to encourage the continuation of construction here at Mary Washington, and I compel you to support this fight since it would help bolster our school spirit.
This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition and is intended to be satirical in nature. All information or quotations are made up and not to be taken seriously.