Emotivism takes center stage: Feelings begin to dictate the reality of our world, solving all problems without reprisal

by CHARLIE LI

Life Editor

Life is too chill to stress about the small stuff, and too many people are sweating buckets, especially when it comes to having opinions. We’ve got to go with the flow and take the lazy river downstream before Ubering upriver to start the easy journey anew.

So why stress about stress when others can stress for you? Better yet, why have opinions at all? Opinions online and in person create divide and conflict, so everyone should just ease up and become an emotivist. 

Our philosophical knight in shining armor, emotivism, suggests that moral statements do not describe the world but merely express our feelings about it. So ditch the opinions, get in your feels and align with the emotivist lifestyle.

For those who haven’t had the pleasure of learning about it, emotivism is like saying, “Apples are the best fruit,” to express “These apples are great!” Essentially, it’s centered around the idea that when we contribute opinions publicly, we’re not really stating facts about the universe, we’re cheering or booing. 

So get out your pom poms and megaphones and emote!

Rather than using the critical thinking skills that we spend so much time at UMW developing, let’s ease up and find peace without the cacophonous yapping of opinionated personalities. With the rest of the world so set on being right or wrong, UMW’s campus should become a free space filled with emotivist minds thinking alike. 

Diving fully into this emotivist mindset removes any inclinations for disagreement, as everyone is just emoting their feelings. Opinions are truly futile in achieving this state of calmness, for they are much past their prime and unnecessary to go through life. Opinions are in fact, as out-of-date as the mysterious container pressed against the back of your refrigerator.

In this opinion-saturated world, it’s worth considering the controversial notion that opinions—that’s right, those seemingly harmless expressions of personal taste and belief—might be causing more harm than good. With everyone constantly sharing their opinions with others, there’s always the possibility of some form of backlash. The internet has become a war theater that could rival some historical conflicts in terms of the sheer persistence and dedicated investment in being upset over a difference of opinion, and an opinion is such a tragic hill to die on. 

Consider your personal preference for coffee becoming a tempestuous debate. 

“An espresso is the only true coffee,” you declare almost too boldly after watching every video with the hashtag “coffee” on TikTok and becoming what you believe is the closest thing to a coffee sommelier.

Little did you know, your simple opinion would ignite the fiery hearts of drip coffee worshippers, leading to a bitter feud that would span across the globe through social media, dividing families and spawning an uncountable amount of passive-aggressive memes on the internet. Suddenly, what you thought was just a cheer in support of coffee became a catalyst for the global divide of nations and the world as we know it—all over the most optimal method of bean water extraction. 

Don’t even get me started about the political battleground that has encompassed everything we know today. Here, opinions don’t just lead to a really awkward and tense Thanksgiving dinner. Instead, they influence elections, policies and ultimately the fate of nations. The mere mention of supporting a policy can unravel into debates so intense that they make the espresso vs. drip coffee debate seem like a friendly disagreement at a picnic. 

So, in a society already obsessed with likes, hearts and thirst traps, it’s time to embrace our inner emotivist and acknowledge that our opinions are not the beginning and end of a matter. Instead, all we know and have are the vibes. 

Instead of holding divisive opinions that tear the fabric of society apart, we need to reevaluate our reaction to dissension. Rather than erupting in anger when someone defends pineapple on pizza, instead, you can say, “Pineapple on pizza? Not in my emotional landscape!” See how suddenly we’re not arguing about the intrinsic qualities of pineapple as a pizza topping, but acknowledging our individual tastes and feelings?

Emotivism allows citizens to bury their political efficacy, denounce their religion and embrace the smooth sailing of preferred emotional landscapes. It is the answer to the universe’s secrets, the peaceful needle in the haystack of existence and the only avenue to attain hope in this ever-opinionated world. 

This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition and is intended to be satirical in nature. All information or quotations are made up and not to be taken seriously.