Personal Essay: School assignments may have strict deadlines, but processing your grief shouldn’t

by TATYANA RIVERA

Staff Writer

June 17, 2026 was the day my life changed. I woke up and started my day like every other typical morning. I brushed my teeth, washed my face, put my clothes on for the day, but I never left home. 

My little sister’s name was Leila Guillory. She needed a lot of care this particular day, which was something I had managed before. However, what was supposed to be a normal routine, quickly became a memory from a day I’d never forget.

Leila’s hospice nurse announced her time of death that afternoon. My world was fractured and yet, for some reason, all I could think about was informing my professors. I was facing finals week for one class, with the start of another class soon beginning. 

I didn’t have the answers. I wasn’t sure what to say or ask my professors or how much time I needed to grieve. I didn’t even know what grief looked like, let alone its implications on whether I could still be a successful student. 

A week after my sister’s passing I found myself back in the classroom. I was sitting in class, but I wasn’t present. My pencil was heavy and my notebook remained blank for the entire lecture. Around me, college life went on as usual, leaving me behind to figure out how to move forward.

Turns out I’m not alone in this grief. A 2021 bereavement study published in Death Studies surveyed 969 students and found that 42% reported losing a family member or friend within the past 24 months. This research is one of many that have found grief to be common among college students. 

Despite being a relatively common experience among college students, the complex nature of grief is often difficult to recognize and uncomfortable to discuss, limiting the awareness of challenges and support a student might need. 

The American Psychological Association defines grief as, “the anguish experienced after significant loss.” 

Yet, for me, this seemed like such a simple definition for such a heavy feeling. I didn’t just feel “anguish.” Of course I was sad, but I was also in shock from the sudden derailment of my life, confused on how to move forward, angry for having to endure this. There just aren’t enough words to describe grief.

Grief is complex—it comes in different forms and there’s research that backs it. To start, there are different types of grief. For example, anticipatory grief is  one of the many kinds of forms grief comes in. The Cleveland Clinic Organization defines anticipatory grief as an expectation of mourning, months or even years before the loss occurs. This expectation is identified as a coping mechanism to help prepare for the predicted distress. 

I resonate with this form of grief the most. I was loving my sister in the present, but already missing her in the future. Now, less than 3 months later, I still see glimpses of her throughout my day. Sometimes I see her in her favorite color or in the smell of a familiar perfume. But that kind of grief didn’t necessarily feel like it fit in the classroom setting. 

“I think the most important thing to remember is that there’s no right or wrong way to grieve,” said Associate Professor of Psychological Science Dr. Virginia Mackintosh.  

Mackintosh explained how grief is deeply personal and inherently unpredictable. 

“You’re going through your day, something triggers it and suddenly, it’s the only thing you can think of and it makes it really hard to concentrate on anything else,” said Mackintosh.

Past studies in neuropsychological research of grief have determined specific cognitive effects. A study done in 2022 by Psychosomatic Medicine inferred that subjects with complicated (extreme) grief performed poorly on cognitive tests compared to those with non-complicated grief and the non-bereaved.

While grief made it hard to think, my professors were extremely helpful. I received accommodations that allowed me to be home with family, process my initial feelings to the best of my ability and re-prepare for the mental load of college. 

For many professors, including Mackintosh, supporting a grieving student means being willing to check-in and listen to what they may be going through. 

“I would want to check-in with them and just see how they’re doing,” said Mackintosh. “Just try to be open to what they’re experiencing and let them know that I understand they’re going through a difficult time and that if they need extra support, that those are available.”

According to the Director of the Talley Center Dr. Chad Sims, additional accommodating resources are offered at the center for grieving students. 

“One of the cool things about the Talley Center is we choose to work at counseling centers because we really are passionate about helping students,” said Sims.

Sims emphasizes the wide range of services provided such as same-day crisis sessions, consultations, goal-oriented individual therapy, group therapy and specialist referrals. 

Additionally, Sims mentioned UMW’s collaborations with TimelyCare and their 24/7 crisis line: CrisisNow that grants students access to direct information about self-care, counseling services and licensed clinicians when in emergencies. 

Looking back, I think UMW’s resources could have been beneficial to me, but I simply wasn’t aware of what was available at the time. Knowing what I know now, reaching out to UMW could have provided another source of community and advocacy during a difficult time.

While there may not be a simple solution, grief can become more manageable when students have the support, resources and understanding to navigate it.

“Be gracious towards yourself,” said Sims, “I can’t tell you how many times, with myself even or talking with others, that we’re like, ‘Oh, I’m actually not really crazy. I’m just grieving.’”

I think about Leila every day. To most people, she is seen as a warrior that persevered through a difficult time, but to me, she was just my little sister. She loved Spider-Man, building LEGO sets and any animal you could think of. Her death didn’t just disrupt my life for a moment, but for a lifetime. 

I have learned as a grieving student that you don’t necessarily “move on” from grief, but you learn to move with it. You can grieve in class, in the cafe, in your dorm or even while out with friends. It is a never-ending, yet ever-changing emotion.