Sexclamations

KELSEY CLARK

Last week I extolled the virtues of talking openly about sex. Being comfortable with your sexuality and sharing experiences can only improve things, right?
Wrong.
This weekend I was shopping with my mother and we passed a window boldly displaying a pair of women’s underwear that read: “it’s not going to lick itself.”
Asking for what you want is certainly a good way to satisfy your needs. Making your panties ask for you? Maybe not so much. I limit the text on my underwear to the days of the week, so I couldn’t honestly say what kind of results that would yield.
If you do want your undies to do the talking, fine. It’s not the message or the delivery that bother me so much as long as you’re revealing your request in a private situation. On a public street in front of my mother? Yikes. Inappropriate.
Goodness knows I don’t generally have a problem with flagrant public displays of sexuality, or with discussing sex openly with my peers. But factor Mom into the equation and sex makes me as uncomfortable as a 5th grader in health class.
My mother is a seasoned guidance counselor and is therefore trained in talking about uncomfortable topics and asking personal, intimate questions. I knew she would see the lascivious lingerie and use it as an opportunity to start prying into my own steamy shenanigans.
If I followed my own advice, I would open up and spew forth a titillating torrent of anecdotes, questions, and other superfluous sexual drivel. My presence is proof that Mommy is no stranger to sex, and she’s got years of experience I could learn from. She would probably be the perfect person to talk temptation with. And apparently, I am all about talking. If it can help Wilma Flintstone have a more bedrockin’ sex life, why not go for it?
Because it would be humiliating, that’s why.
I don’t know why it is I can comfortably talk about such salacious subjects with anyone my own age but found myself praying that the pornographic panties escaped my mother’s attention and we could avoid talking about sex for as long as humanly possible. Perhaps some psych major would be kind enough to explain that to me.
The point is, not everyone can be at ease talking sex all the time. So while I stand by my previous statement that being comfortable discussing sex and being vocal in bed are positive, I will admit that you don’t have to be so forthcoming with everyone you meet.
Even if you’re not going to chitchat about copulation with your parents on a public street, try to be open with someone else you’re comfortable talking to.
If you’re too shy to say it out loud, you can just write it on your underwear.