Top 5 Things You’ll Never Be Able to Do at Mary Wash

WILL COPPS

5. See our campus trashed by our football rivals- and trash theirs back.
One time I heard someone say they “disliked” Longwood. One time. “Disliked.” Are they supposed to be our rivals? Where is the sense of competition? No joke, at my high school, some people killed a deer (our rivals were the Stags), painted it in our school colors, and left it at their front door. We should be killing entire herds of deer… or longwoods. Then we can paint them… wait… what are our school colors again?

4. Develop a healthy appreciation for anything.
“This school has too many girls.” “This school has too many bricks.” “There aren’t enough parties at this school.” Seriously? I think there is a perfect amount of bricks. In fact, my Top 5 was almost about my favorite five bricks on campus. You’d think that students were majoring in complaining because nothing is good enough, including this Top 5. Geez, this Top 5 sucks. Where is that funny guy from last year?

3. Do anything on the Internet. Ever.
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2. Experience a decent sleep.
Fire drills and construction are annoying, sure. But that’s pretty typical anywhere. What is not typical is how we fail the fire drills, so that we keep having to repeat them. Do you know that people in one residence hall failed their fire drill for going out the fire doors? Yeah, the fire doors. If we can’t use them for load in, and we can’t use them for, you know, FIRES… Please, send in your ideas. Sleds? Beer pong tables? A fence to keep away the people with staph infections? I think we should mount them all to block the fire alarms so that we can finally get our sleep.

1. Party
Aah, the elusive “P” word. I went to one once, at a place far, far away. I witnessed magical things: more than five people, alcohol for those over 21, and the ability to play music. They were even playing music that you could dance to.  You know, the Bullet has parties. You could come to them if you wrote for us.