Horoscopes April 2017: look to the stars for undeniable advice

By ALEX SPENCE 

Aries (March 21-April 19): Rough waters ahead. Be sure to call Mom, as social exile can become lonely. Practice the phrase, “table for one.” Repetition is key.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): A departed loved one is trying to reach out. In order to respond, take a swim with concrete shoes. Use your legs to walk today.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): A vodka diet may be the downfall of your good health. Look to improve your fitness by chugging a PBR kale shake while dressed in active wear.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): Loud lovemaking is on the horizon. Invest in noise-canceling headphones, as the sex will not be yours.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): There’s a target on your back. To avoid unwanted confrontation discontinue your douche bag behavior.

Virgo (August 23-Sept. 22): Avoid red traffic lights, as they will slow you down. Hanger will be your roadblock for the day. Seek counsel at your local Cook Out.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Danger is in the cards. Avoid unnecessary death by answering the phone when your significant other calls. Watch out for angry feminists.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): An attractive classmate has their eye on you. Avoid pit stains, political discussion and morning breath, as these things are highly repellent. Lucky numbers: 666

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Believing everything you hear may be unwise. Consult a California psychic before making any decisions.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Temperatures are rising causing the melting of snowflakes. To eliminate fragile flurries engage in heated discussion. Become invisible to avoid egging.  

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Investing in your future may be fiscally unsound. Explore career in paper shredding. Treat yourself to a healthy dose of unsweetened cyanide.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): A close companion is spreading rumors about you. Keep an eye out for blonde girls names Lisa, that b**** is the one.

This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition and is intended to be satirical in nature. All information or quotations are made up and not to be taken seriously.