The Boyfriend Registry: Student Affairs pushes for bachelor labels

By TESSA CATE

After months of strategic analysis and in-depth research, UMW’s Office for Student Affairs will push forward with its newest (and most literal) effort in student engagement: The UMW Boyfriend Registry.

UMW, affectionately referred to as the “University of Mostly Women,” boasts a male to female student ratio of nearly 30:70 – a statistic serving as the invisible hand guiding the university’s dating scene.

In a recent survey of all female students by UMW’s Office for Student Affairs, the university’s women classified UMW men in the following 13 categories:

Nice, but taken

Nice and single, but weird

The token gay friend

Thinks his track pants and slides are endearing

Loves weed more than he will ever love you

Has three classes with his ex, so don’t even try

Broke up with your suitemate via text two weeks ago (and is already back on the market)

Meathead recruited by athletics

Wants to see you at 1 a.m. but ignores during class

Flirts with you at parties but has a girlfriend at CNU

Seemed cool in high school but isn’t really that great

Still hasn’t received the cargo shorts memo

Gross

78 percent of the female student population polled that they are having a hard time finding boyfriends because “the boys here all fall into these deal-breaker categories, and if there are ones who don’t, they’re hiding or something.”

The university hopes that with better recording and monitoring, they can identify more single, “boyfriend material” men and guide the campus dating scene.

An unnamed representative from UMW’s Office for Student Affairs stated that “The College of Mary Washington opened its doors to male students in the early 1970s for the purpose of increasing student engagement adding the MRS degree to the curriculum.” That was the university’s first drastic effort to increase student engagement, and now they’re looking to do even more.

Because of the few options the UMW dating scene provides, many female students have been turning elsewhere in the search for boyfriends or have decided to give up their searches until after graduation.

This is not only in response to the lack of options, but the fierce competition they face during the hunt. In the comments section of the recent all-female survey, many women commented that “it is hard because the second you start talking to a seemingly viable boy at a party, another girl swoops in.”

Others commented that “finding viable boys takes an incredible amount of sleuthing. For girls, you can just check their Facebook pages to see if they have recent pictures with a significant other. With boys, it’s a little more difficult because most of them haven’t updated their Facebooks since 2013.”

The university is convinced that a Boyfriend Registry will be able to combat this issue.

The registry will be implemented in the fall of 2017 as a prerequisite to spring course registration and a hold will be placed on every male UMW student’s account until he fills out the registry.

The Boyfriend Registry will take the form of an OrgSync form and is currently being designed by SAE staff.

An extensive amount of information will be covered by the registry, including: gender identification, date of most recent hookup, whereabouts of exes, time elapsed since last relationship, major, GPA, stance on “butt stuff,” campus activities, career ambitions, height, hair and eye color.

This information will be updated during every course registration period, and new categories will be added after the registry’s initial trial as the Office for Student Affairs sees fit.

The Office for Student Affairs has made a conscious effort to include UMW males in the early stages of the Boyfriend Registry’s development, but all campus males have declined to comment. According to Student Affairs representatives, they declined because “they are busy planning a pregame and making beer runs.”

This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition and is intended to be satirical in nature. All information or quotations are made up and not to be taken seriously.