Top 5 Best Ways to Ditch Your Roommate

MATTHEW BLAKELY

Now that we’ve all adapted to our “college lives” there’s not much to do but study, eat, study, party, and study—not much else. But if you’re like a friend of mine who cringes at the sight of her roommate, you might make time to do a little good ole’ scheming. Not only does she make time to annoy her roommate, she plans her attacks strategically. And these jabs aren’t petty high school attacks mind you; they are creepy pull-my-hair-out kick-me-in-the-nuts attacks that might force your roomate to move out.

1. Become Extremely Irresponsible.
Now some of you will be brilliant at this because, well, you’re just naturally lazy. But if not, try and rid yourself of all dorm responsibilities. It’s easy: if your roommate asks you to do something simply nod in agreement and then neglect to do it. The real pros might even try leaving their own things all over their roommate’s property. For instance, go work out and leave your dirty socks on your roommate’s computer. Either way your roommate will become really annoyed.
2. Play Stalker
Know your roommate like the back of your hand. Know where they hang out, who their friends with, what their schedule is, what soap they use—basically everything. Use this knowledge to creep them out. Mock them, eat the same food, stare at them, whatever it takes to completely freak them out. Just play stalker because no one likes a creeper!
3. Answer their cell phone
Every time your roommate’s cell phone rings race them to answer it. Once you’ve beaten them to it pick it up and answer in various ways. You could act like you’re a Chinese food restaurant, say “911 how can I help you,” “Tony’s Sex Toys,” or just simply hang up. In reality there are endless ways to answer their cell phone—just have fun with it.

4.  Acquire weirdo sleeping habits.
Because sleep is so sacred in college, try and make sure your roommate gets none of it. Sleepwalk into their bed randomly, talk in your sleep about their family, or hide a squirt gun under your pillow and squirt them in the face every hour on the hour.  If that doesn’t seem to crack them, demand that they tuck you in, have constant nightmares, and wake them up to check if there is a monster under your bed. Lastly and most importantly, sleep naked.    This is easy. Go to bed before them in your birthday suit and make sure you awake after they do sunny-side up.

5.  Make your room the laundry room.
Even though you could just basket up your clothes and take them to the basement laundry room like every other person, don’t; wash and dry your clothes in your room. Take your roommate’s shampoo and hand wash the funk out of your clothes. Then once you’re done combine all your roommate’s belts to make a clothesline and drape your wet clothes on it in an extremely annoying spot in the room. This is brilliant and will produce a great reaction.
Remember that the more dedication you have in really making your roommate’s life a living hell the better odds you will have of getting rid of them. Good luck.