The Weekly Ringer

The University of Mary Washington Student Newspaper

Food a Tasty Sexual Aid

3 min read


In the middle school cafeteria, my friend Kevin used to lick the pudding out of the cup rather than use a spoon.

This made my adolescent girlfriends laugh awkwardly. I sat there scratching my head with absolutely no inclination that his actions were anything similar to oral sex. It also confused me when guys would watch me attentively as I took a big bite out of my daily banana. Only later in life did I come to the realization that the banana can be seen as a phallic symbol.

Food and sensuality have a strong connection, not only with the physical gestures of eating but the chemical reactions certain foods can create for people who want to get horny fast.

Aphrodisiacs don’t just have to be in the form of chemically enhanced substances, however.For instance I have a lot of girlfriends who live by the power of chocolate. Boys, listen up. It has magical powers on us females. Chocolate, particularly dark chocolate, tricks our brains into believing that we are receiving some sort of sexual pleasure, I kid not. Forest Gump had the right idea about the box of chocolates, only for you guys you know what you could get in the end.

Along with phallic-shaped foods like carrots or popsicles or bananas that supposedly do the trick for women, there are also vagina-shaped foods that get a guy going. The classic food that has been used since ancient Roman times is the oyster, which not only is shaped like a woman’s hoo-hoo but, along with pinenuts, contains a ton of zinc. Zinc helps to make semen. Men like to get rid of their semen. You do the math.

If I still haven’t convinced you ladies that these slimy little suckers are golden, then just look at their chemical makeup. Raw oysters are full of D-aspartic acid and N-methyl-D-aspartate, both of which increase the level of testosterone in the male body.However, if shellfish aren’t your thing, there is also the “natural Viagra.” Yohimbe, tribulus and maca are traditional herbs that help to stiffen most guys’ Johnsons.

However there is a backlash. Too much yohimbe can kill you, not to mention all of these herbs are kind of hard to find. But if you aren’t afraid of death, really want a boner and are willing to do some searching, then I say go for it. But if you really want to go for the bizarre you could always try some nice rhino horn or Spanish fly in your coffee.

If these things are a bit too exotic for your tastes there are a ton of different foods that are not only delicious but stimulating. Asparagus, pineapple, basil, sweet potato, cayenne, celery, and squash are just a few fun foods you can try out to see what is your best bet for sexual stimulation.

There is also, of course, the fun-filled activity of implementing food into your sex life. Whipped cream or chocolate syrup can be found in the supermarket with little embarrassment. Even edible panties, special sex foods, and tasty powders can be picked up at sex shops and used to your own avail.

So why not go out there and combine two of the world’s greatest gifts; food and sex? Try out different meals or tastes to see what gets you and your significant other a bit more aroused than usual. This is not to say, however, that any of these foods are the basic components of love potion no. 9. They have to actually like you.

Whatever the tasty sensation, it could be a fun way to bond with your significant other, or a way to experiment in your own sexual interests with another person. However be forewarned that there are also potential anti-aphrodisiacs out there as well such as cherries and tofu.

Please check with your local grocer before investing in any uncertain foods and never cook anything while someone is in it. The last thing you need is to accidentally slip into cannfetishim from a miscalculated sensual cooking experiment.