Thought You Knew: Discovery of New Zodiac Turns Columnist’s Life Upside-Down

I’m sure you’ve heard by now, but the world is definitely ending. The way things are going, I can only hope it’s soon. How’s tomorrow?

First it was the mysterious bird and fish deaths. Then there were some crabs and those poor cows. I think I also heard something about floods and mudslides ruining (and ending) a few lives, but that was outside of America and affected actual human beings, so they aren’t so much signs of the Apocalypse as they are events which most Americans pretend didn’t happen.

And then, when I thought things couldn’t possibly get worse, I found out that I’m no longer an Aries.

I’ve never felt more like a plastic bag floating in the wind. I’m adrift, without purpose and unsure of whom I am anymore.

I’ve come to accept that people move in and out of our lives. We graduate from one crazy chapter to the next. We watch “Garden State” and realize our homes aren’t our homes anymore. We are all Holden Caulfield.

But, amidst the chaos, one constant remained: the Zodiac.
You heard it in the Minneapolis Star Tribune first: apparently, due to some cosmic shifting, the old, familiar Zodiac has been replaced.
We are not who we think we are.

I’m no longer a fiery and independent leader, prone to bouts of outrageous narcissism. As soon as I clicked “Have You Heard About the New Zodiac?” I felt all of the courage and excited spirit drain from my being.

In an instant it was replaced with compassion for others and an overwhelming desire to go with the flow. And depression. So much depression.

Now I am a Pisces.

Until this discovery I was organized and motivated. I used to be able to accomplish tons of things each day, never once stopping to ask myself how I did it.

Lately all I do is loaf around, longing to follow someone else’s orders for a change.

I lie in bed for hours daydreaming about all of the paintings I must make. In the past, my creativity was used to win arguments, trounce my competition or entertain my friends.

Now I just want to create for creation’s sake. I don’t care if another person ever sees my art. Attention and recognition are not what being a Pisces is about.

My foolish dreams of fame, wealth and notoriety are long gone. Aspirations of money and power were once the driving forces of my life, but now I am repulsed by how shallow I was. The memories make me want to vomit. Who was that person? A monster, disguised as a ram, that’s who.

All I need is to relate to people on a profound emotional level. After graduation I plan to devote my existence to saving all of the orphans.

“No parents? No problem!” That will be my motto. I will wear rags and let them drink my tears to stave off dehydration (I will have a lot of tears because Pisces are full of despair and broken dreams). No orphan will be left behind.

My love life has been turned upside down too. I used to think I wanted an adventurous, lighthearted romance with another Aries, a Leo or a Sagittarius.

Sure, we’d likely cheat on each other down the road because fire signs are impulsive and have short attention spans, but that didn’t matter as long as I was with a guy who was bold and confident, with charisma. I wanted a relationship that was easy and valued fun above all else.

Now that I’m a Pisces, I know that love isn’t easy or fun. When I’m not dreaming of creating creative creations or keeping orphans off the streets of Malawi, I am imagining my ideal mate, who is a Pisces, a Scorpio or a Cancer.

I see romantic dinners and flowers in our future (Which is hopefully not that far off. I’m almost 22. The clock’s ticking). And candles! Hundreds of candles! We will sit surrounded by candles and talk about our feelings until we form a deep and everlasting bond.

Once we marry I will be loyal and doting for eternity, living for the moment he demands I make him a sandwich. I want to make him so many sandwiches.

As a Pisces, I’m open to these changes because, above all else, I’m adaptable, but I still feel lost. My entire life until now has been a lie.
If something as seemingly unshakable as the Zodiac can change in the blink of an eye, what’s next?

When will the madness end?