The Weekly Ringer

The University of Mary Washington Student Newspaper

Thought You Knew: Denial Leads to Alternative Job Considerations

3 min read

I have a confession: I just spent the last 30 minutes attempting to set up a profile on, a dating website that matches “attractive, ambitious and young Sugar Babes” with a “generous benefactor to pamper, mentor and take care of you—perhaps to help you financially.”

With graduation and my permanent summer vacation looming, I figured I could either take the time to write some cover letters and apply for jobs in the booming journalism industry or I could exert considerably less effort trying to land a sugar daddy.

To be fair, I decided to make the account because I was hoping to get a few funny stories out of it so I could blog about my quest for my one true love, money, which would make me Internet famous. Then, I’d get a book, television or movie deal out of it.

On the off chance that didn’t pan out, I figured there are worse things than meeting a sugar daddy online to avoid getting a real job after college (are there?).

Before you go and get all moral and judgmental on me, let me remind you of one thing: no one asked for your opinion. If you want to voice you’re opinion so badly, get your own column. Call it “Boring Things No One Actually Wants to Read, But Will Still Get Irrationally Angry About.” See if I care.

A lot of those Seeking Arrangement guys are willing to shell out upwards of $30,000 a year, which is only marginally less than the average starting salary of a public school teacher in most states, according to the Department of Labor Statistics. Not too shabby, right?

After mulling over what photo to use and staring at the empty text box, taunting me until I thought of the perfect personal description to entice my future generous benefactor into paying my rent and taking me on exotic vacations, I finally gave up on my experiment and closed the tab in my browser without ever completing my registration.
Writing a bio on a sleazy “mutually beneficial relationship” site was just as difficult as writing cover letters and a million times more awful.

Internet strangers are terrifying and my father loves me, so I’ve never really understood online dating or the grandpa fetish. In fact, the only appealing element of my short-lived attempt at seeking an arrangement was financial security.

I’m beginning to think I should try to make money by performing jobs I might actually enjoy before I’m forced to swallow my pride and take whatever paycheck I can get.

I should have known trying to generate a few good stories and a steady income would be pointless before I even began, given the aforementioned fear of stranger danger and my proclivity for younger guys, but I’ve been spending a lot of time in denial lately.

Denial is a beautiful state where time stands still. There is neither memory of the past nor knowledge of the future when you’re there. You simply exist in a place where it’s acceptable to spend two hours in the middle of the night making playlists, and the only calories you need come from alcohol.

But, every trip must come to an end. While browsing through the other sugar baby hopefuls, most of whom looked perfectly suited for porn or reality television, I realized that although my time in denial was enjoyable, perhaps I should get my life together.

If I can’t manage that in the next month and a half, I won’t be living in denial with my flask of delusions or in San Diego with Vince the CEO/Entrepreneur. No, I’ll be back in Virginia Beach watching my hopes, dreams and soul die then reemerge from the wreckage at yet another strip mall.

Plus, if I’m going to have to bang an old dude to get ahead, it should be for substantial career advancement, not a monthly allowance.