Horoscopes 3/311 min read
Aries: Mar 21 – Apr 19
Take a break from your normal routine. Practice abstinence.
Taurus: Apr 20 – May 20
Confide in others this week. Don’t worry if they roll their eyes. They’re totally interested.
Gemini: May 21 – Jun 20
Just because you won that bet, doesn’t mean you get to gloat forever.
Cancer: Jun 21 – Jul 22
It shouldn’t take you until girls are screaming “get out!” to realize you’re in the wrong bathroom.
Leo: Jul 23 – Aug 22
Let that special guy know you care by stealing a pair of his underwear and wearing it around.
Virgo: Aug 23 – Sep 22
Sure, dating someone just to get a handicapped parking spot sounds wrong on paper, but convenience doesn’t lie.
Libra: Sep 23 – Oct 22
Try waking up in a new place this week. Ball Circle, naked and covered in vomit, perhaps?
Scorpio: Oct 23 – Nov 21
Practice forgiveness this week. How was I supposed to know your mom was calling from your phone?
Sagittarius: Nov 22 – Dec 21
You couldn’t fist your way out of a paper bag right now. Practice up.
Capricorn: Dec 22 – Jan 19
Unless you want to get caught, you should start washing your roommate’s bedsheets.
Aquarius: Jan 20 – Feb 18
Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. My mom is off limits, dude.
Pisces: Feb 19 – Mar 20
The easiest way to smooth things over after getting caught cheating is to invite her to a threesome.