The Bullet Picks the Oscars

BEST PICTURE – “THE ARTIST”

If there’s one thing people who like movies love, it’s movies. “The Artist” is a movie about movies. Put two and two together, and the obvious choice for Best Picture is Michel Hazanavicius’ drama about a silent film actor at the dawn of the talkies.

Other Nominees: “War Horse,” “Moneyball,” “Tree of Life,” “Hugo,” “Midnight in Paris,” “The Descendants,” “Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close” and “The Help.”

BEST ACTOR – GARY OLDMAN

Gary Oldman’s performance as George Smiley in the film
adaptation of John LeCarre’s thriller “Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy” is disconcerting in its simplicity. Smiley sits calmly and quietly amongst the violence and danger of espionage, scarcely even speaking when not absolutely needed. Also, the dude was in “The Dark Knight.”

Other Nominees: Demian Bichir, Jean Dujardin, George Clooney and Brad Pitt

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR – NICK NOLTE

Nick Nolte’s character in “Warrior” is a drunk guy whose sons beat the living crap out of each other for a living. But you know who else is in “Warrior?” Tom Hardy, who plays Bane in this summers “The Dark Knight Rises.” Nolte is a ringer.

Other Nominees: Jonah Hill, Kenneth Branagh, Max von Sydow and Christopher Plummer

BEST ACTRESS – ROONEY MARA

Last I checked none of the other nominees were cute little white girls who transformed themselves into a terrifying Swedish hacker who tortures rapists and bangs Daniel Craig. But I haven’t browsed Meryl Streep’s filmography in a while.

Other Nominees: Meryl Streep, Viola Davis, Glenn Close, Michelle Williams

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS – BERENICE BEJO

Can you pronounce that name? Can you even read it? Microsoft Word can’t and neither can I. But it sounds fancy and if there’s one thing I’ve learned from Ferrero Rocher, it’s that sounding fancy goes a long way both in choclates and in acting.

Other Nominees: Jessica Chastain, Melissa McCarthy, Janet McTeer and Octavia Spencer

BEST DIRECTING – TERRANCE MALICK

Have you seen Terrance Malick’s “Tree of Life?” Allow me to summarize: Brad Pitt, volcanoes, dinosaurs, hammerhead sharks, more dinosaurs, suburbia, family dinner, a dead brother, a beach and Sean Penn. If Terrance Malick actually knows what the hell is going on in his own movie, the guy is a shoe in.

Other Nominees: Martin Scorsese, Woody Allen, Alexander Payne and Michel Hazanavicius