ResHall Recipes: expert level Vocellis style pizza recipe

By ESTER SALGUERO 

Pizza is the cheapest and most convenient meal out there. It’s flexible and you can pretty much add any toppings you like. Think of the dough as a blank canvas. If you add just anything and everything to a pizza, it might not come out tasty, but if you follow this recipe very closely you won’t be disappointed. At UMW there is no shortage of greasy Vocelli’s pizza, so this will be the same, but different since you made it yourself.

 You will need:

• Trader Joe’s freshly made pizza dough
• Lard (preferably from that excess bacon fat you’ve been saving every Saturday morning after a hard night of partying on Friday)
• Organic plant based protein powder (this is really easy to find- just follow a hipster to the grocery store)
• Hunts marinara sauce
• 4 whole tomatoes (gathered from your local farmer’s yard)
• One whole sausage (size by preference)
• Pre-sliced pepperoni
• Prosciutto
• Bacon
• Lots of cheese! (mozzarella, parmesan, gouda and goat cheese)

Directions:

1. Before you do anything, take some time apart of this preparation to meditate.
2. Okay, after that you need to preheat your oven to 666 degrees Fahrenheit. This is very important you can’t do one degree more or less.
3. Gently wash all your tomatoes and kiss them for good measure. Then beat them to a pulp and that’ll be your sauce base.
4. The sauce top coat is that gluten-free pizza you blended before anything else, so lather that onto the base as well.
5. All the spices that you might want (e.g. oregano, crushed and dried basil leaves, blended ‘shrooms’, etc.)
6. Now, take your pre-made dough spread it out into a circular shape, spread the sauce you just made all over it and add your four cheeses, order doesn’t matter.
7. After you do this, take your sausage, bacon, prosciutto and pepperoni; throw those ingredients onto the pizza.
8. The most important part of this recipe. You have to meditate while the pizza mentally prepares itself for the oven.
9. Once your pizza is ready, pop it into the oven for about an hour and order delivery style pizza from Vocelli’s because your pizza will probably be burnt after sitting in the oven for an hour. Also they’ll both be ready at the same time.

This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition and is intended to be satirical in nature. All information or quotations are made up and not to be taken seriously.