Horoscopes

ARIES
Despite your receding hairline, your peers will still value you, until you are replaced.

TAURUS
You’re hot.

GEMINI
Tasty treats will not replace your absence in the hearts of those who love you.

CANCER
Less hair gel, dude.

LEO
Learn to keep your stomach under control, or at least your mouth.

PISCES
Try doing yoga or some form of stress relief. You always look a little panicked.

AQUARIUS
Good ideas will come in the shower. Capitalize on them.

VIRGO
Maybe if you did your job better you wouldn’t be used as an example in class.

LIBRA
You have a secret admirer. It’s all of us.

SCORPIO
Follow your heart. It will show you the way.

SAGITTARIUS
Dreams change. Graduation requirements don’t.

CAPRICORN
Maybe you should try being a little less shallow.