Keep the Peep Out of Little Bo’s Name

Every Halloween the same “Mean Girls” philosophy permeates the fog-machined air:

“In Girl World, Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.”

While most girls embrace this opportunity for skimpiness, there are plenty who scoff in disgust.

And then there are girls like me who could care less the degree of skankiness contained in a Halloween outfit. It’s not how sexy a costume is that makes me cringe, but rather the specific costume being sexified.

Ladies, feel free to be as slutty as you desire this Halloween. Just stay away from Mother Goose.

For whatever reason, the market for ready-made whore-garb has stolen my childhood icons and brandished them with garter belts and obnoxious cleavage. Every female character in nursery-rhyme and fairy-tale history from Rapunzel to Snow White now has their own sexy Halloween costume.

These characters exist in my mind explicitly as residents of a pure, magical, sex-free world. Their portrayal as sluts is a slap in my no-longer-innocent face. I’ve no interest in finding out how many Oz-gasms the Tin-man got or just how well Alice knew the Muffin Man.

Even more upsetting is the fact that many of these heroine hotties are not only associated with children, but are children themselves. Hence Bo Peep, Red Riding Hood and Miss Muffett being referred to as “little.”

As most girls become scantily clad with the intention of gaining male-attraction, there is a borderline-pedophilic perversion surfacing. Even with ruby stilettos, Dorothy Gale is still a 7 year-old. And don’t get me started on the Sexy Hermione costume.

Fortunately, not everyone is set on tainting my childhood. A lot of girls take the easy way out in developing a Halloween get-up—just wear lingerie and some kind of animal ears and presto!
I suppose that implies I encourage bestiality over pedophilia.

Regardless, I look forward to wearing my Halloween costume idea for next year.

Kids, get ready for a Slutty Old Lady who Swallowed a Fly.

Editor’s Note:

This edition of Susannigans has been reprinted from  the November 1, 2007
issue of The Bullet with the headline
“Little Red Riding Whore.